Washington, DC - Pointing to the devastating weekend Indian Ocean tsunami that left over 24,000 dead, an international blue ribbon committee of climatologists and ecoscientists today issued a stark warning that man-made pollutants have increasingly "make water spirits angry."
The blunt conclusion prefaced a 2300 page meta-analysis of hundreds of scientific studies and computer models detailing links between human industrial activity and wrathful eco-deities. Entitled "Fire Bad: Fire Very Bad," the report warns that the planet faces additional catastrophies unless drastic regulatory action is taken to appease Earthen-furies.
"Unclean money devils anger sacred water spirit Tai-Waku," explained Martin Knudson of Scripps Oceanic Institute. "He now call angry to son the whale, 'make slap with anger-tails! Bring vengeance-surf to villagers!'"
He also has 10 things you can do to save the planet, which includes stuff like "supporting Robert Mugabe" and "going on a random killing spree"; advice for the lovelorn from Barack Obamalamadingdong; and comments on the war on terror:
On Tuesday, new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with representatives of the medical and car communities and announced that the government would henceforth prohibit occupational and transportational profiling by public officials. Brown said further government communications would prohibit the use of certain prejudicial words like "doctor," "Vauxhall," "podiatrist," "propane," "Asia," "drive," "ticking noises," "panic," and "the." Brown also announced the formation of a blue ribbon multicultural community advisory board chaired by Dr. Mohammed Ibn-Yasin of the UK Islamic Podiatric and Car Bombing Club.
And finally, Heere Bigynneth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte, and Archbishop of Cunterbury tale.
Get stuck in!