Ed Balls: The prime minister's right hand man who now harbours ambitions to succeed him. But backbenchers are divided; Some say he is a charmless, gutless little turd, while others insist he has a face you could punch all day.
Nick Brown: The chief whip has been described as Mr Brown's 'hatchet man' as if he's some kind of East End gangster, but is actually just some fat ponce of a politician who would piss himself in a bar fight.
Hazel Blears: Britain's most powerful Borrower. Lives inside the skirting boards at Number 10 where she chews through the modem cables and eats off an old bobbin. Can make a Babybel cheese last for a month.
James Purnell: If it looks like a junior salesman and sounds like a junior salesman, you call it what it is.
And just for Trixy:
David Miliband: Enjoys bananas... Has dark hair... Quite tall? Unless we're thinking of someone else.