Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Short cunts

Fucking Jesus, what is it about short blokes and booze?

Even nice short blokes turn into utter cunts when they've had a skinful, but today's fuckmonkey topped the scales. I was standing on a London station, minding my own business, just trying to work out what platform the next train home would be on, when this short little cunt bounded up to me, shook my hand and then started telling me his life story.

Which apparently included him being an East End gangster "wiv Rolex watches, a Ferrari and a Rolls" who had "killed dozens of kaffirs" in South Africa while stealing Krugerrands, "innit?" "Just told him to drive the fahcking van or I'd blow his fahcking head off."

Oh, and he couldn't stop telling me about his fahcking barn conversion, either. Or shaking my fahcking hand, either. And he was ex-fahcking-SAS as well.

Fahcking nutter.

Anyway, I know what he was really looking for. He had started alluding to it before he mercifully staggered off in the wrong direction ... he was looking for a fight. Why is it that blokes think that the best thing they can do when they are drunk is pick a fight with someone who is can see over their head?

15 comments:

K. McEgan said...

Napoleon syndrome.Same as my ex Ju Jitsu sensei.So I fucking nutted the cunt and...

K. McEgan said...

SO I'm standing at the door of the "Mercury" and this UVF cunt wants to come in and he is giving it large "I run the Ormeau Road" shite so I looked at the whore and he is "Yeah, fucking bouncers.." but before he can draw his blade I fucking well...

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Who the fuck are you looking at? Etc etc etc

K. McEgan said...

Rab you are over 5ft 7in tall. SO FUCK OFF YOU LANKY BASTARD!

Hugh said...

That said I got a taxi the other night with a six four driver. Recognised the cunt as a drunk who tried to glass me about two years ago.

K. McEgan said...

Which led to the pleasant conversation "Aren't you the cunt who tried to glass me?" (Make note of cunts licence number. "Constable?Yes, the driver has a 9mm and said he was going to get Brown".

Mark Wadsworth said...

Everybody who has ever attacked me was shorter than I am, but that's hardly surprising as most people are shorter than I am.

I can also confirm that all bar one (who was Irish) were a lot darker than I am. And that's not just because I am particularly pale.

Anonymous said...

Sounds suspiciously like Old Holborn to me.

AntiCitizenOne said...

Wave your fist around to distract him then kick his kneecap off and walk away.

Anonymous said...

charley,EEs, beer and no fucking girlfriend and a soft cunt!
easily beaten up by lard arsed types like fat arms sad tee shirt mcEgan

K. McEgan said...

Anon (Alamo) a bright future awaits you in the BNP.Get some specs that isnt fat its from working you DSS mo'fo.

Leg-iron said...

There aren't many shorter than me and I've never started a fight. I was in the SAS though, they were short of goalposts once.

Fighting drunks are great. Some useful lines...

Drunk: 'I don't like you'
Me: 'I don't blame you. I'm a cunt'.

Drunk: 'Outside. Now.'
Me: 'I can't go outside now, the clowns are waiting'.

Drunk: 'I'm gonna do you'.
Me: 'I'm done. Thanks for your concern.' (this doesn't always work but... underdogs bite upwards and we go for soft tissue)

There are more but the whisky has stolen them. They'll come back later.

K. McEgan said...

Leg Iron, good points. Another is "I really don't want trouble as I'm out on bail".

Anonymous said...

the best way to avoid trouble is to avoid assholes, and the places they frequent. however, it's always best to be prudent. you can defend yourself effectively by learning to throw, acurately and hard. then carry an unopened can of coke in your coat pocket if travelling by night or in a dodgy area. it's perfectly legal. in the event, the face of an aggressor will smash in, like a rotten pumpkin, if hit full-force by a well-aimed and robust throw.
i am entirely peaceful and would gladly hand over my wallet and car-keys rather than hurt someone, even a total cock - but in these sad times, having a last-resort means of defence is no bad thing.

Chalcedon said...

Ah, the SAS. Biggest regiment in the Army apparently. So many men in it or wre in it. I much prefer the CIA myself. All those company benefits.