Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Fuck it

I'm just going to nick the whole thing. It's brilliant and it very nearly captures the depth of hatred I feel for it:

Java. What the fuck is it for? Does anyone know - or care - any more? I remember it was the absolute pinnacle of the tech zeitgeist around 10 years back, when it promised to be a utopia of write-once-run-anywhere programming and cubicles were packed with dickheads pulling down £8999k p.a. because they understood those big diagrams that people used to draw to explain what Java did… but now?

Now it sits there on my hard drive glowering resentfully because no-one uses it any more - the ginger-haired stepchild of programming languages (or whatever the fuck it is).

I can handle that - I don’t use HongKong RAMfucker or PornLocator any more; but at least they have the decency to sit there quietly in the background until the day that I need to fuck my RAM or locate some porn.

What I can’t handle is Java’s constant crying out for my attention… update me… please! Every single bastard day that little system tray bubble comes up, winking at me cheerily to remind me there’s another Java update. So for days I dutifully close it and yet, the very next day, there it is again.. taunting me. Look: I didn’t update you yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before that. Please take the fucking hint - no-one likes you any more. Imagine if your girlfriend behaved like that!

And then, eventually, I concede defeat and download it just to get that fucking message out of the way. Only its not an ‘update’ in the sense of “here’s a couple of megsworth of patches and files” but a full 23323327Gb download of the entire fucking thing that slows everything down to a crawl and puts a big fat install dialogue up in my grill for what seems to be a week, reminding me of all the pointless crap Java ‘enables’ me to do.

And then, when you’ve done all that and your heartrate has returned to normal levels, you find some gimcrack, cobbled-together piece of toss on the internets that does actually use Java to do something - usually something completely fucking gay like add an animated reflection to a picture of the Taj Mahal - and the fucking thing still isn’t right. Sometimes you get a message saying that the version you’ve got is too fucking new!

And to add insult to fucking injury every one of these damn Java applets in the world has to tell me that it’s using Java before it loads. Imagine popping a CD into the tray and having Brian Blessed announce that you are using CD Technology. Actually - that would be pretty fucking awesome. So imagine instead opening your sandwich box to be greeted with a cheery “you’re eating Kingsmill bread!” The world would grind to a halt as people flung sandwiches out of the window in pulsating, red-faced rage, making pavements impassable and putting Dairylea out of business. That’s what “this is a Java application” messages do to the internets.

Java is a big bunch of balls, and Sun Microsystems are a big bunch of ball washers. Fact.

Carpsio: legend! It's just a pity he didn't have a pop at C# as well.

12 comments:

A nonny nonny (this may stick) said...

Hahaha. It's funny 'cos it's true, and I like to see how slowly my browser can go. msconfig and stopstartup monitor are your friends.


wv: Have wood? "diallog"

Bristol Dave said...

I'm so pleased someone else feels the same way about Java as I'm do.

I look after Linux servers for my job. The biggest headache for me, by far, is that the Application Developers use Java.

It goes into 2nd place on my "all time hated pieces of software" list behind SELinux, but it's a close second. I hate Java more than Lotus Notes, for fuck's sake.

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

I feel the same way about mop heads. You get those that are a joy and those you could throw a tantrum over.

Mark Wadsworth said...

They make excellent coffee though!

Mark Wadsworth said...

WV: ticksful

Which is presumably NewSpeak for "worthy of full marks"

Gigits said...

It's right. My Java cries out for updates occasionally. I just ignore and it goes away. Haven't seen it for a while, maybe it's moved out...

microdave said...

I'm sure it is a bloated piece of crap, but stopping it from nagging you is hardly a difficult task.

Clear the "Check for Updates Automatically" box in the Java Control panel.

In "msconfig" clear "QTTask", and "jusched"

No more nagging, and it only runs if I start a program, or open a website that needs it.

Fidothedog said...

Java sucks but the thought of Brian Blessed shouting rocks.

Old Bag said...

i have that blinking fucking java reminder bollocks on my PC too. i just ignore the shit. in time it will get bored and go pester some other cunt. hopefully.

Anonymous said...

c#, all the speed and power of VB6 combined with the convenience and ease of C++.

Anonymous said...

You could always turn off the Java updater.

But I guess that would make a boring blog post; I quite enjoyed this rant.

Next up, WindowsUpdate?

David Gillies said...

Of course, I don't use broken operating systems, so the vagaries of Java under Windows are a closed book to me, but anyone who tried developing with it when it first came out will have been sufficiently emotionally scarred by the experience to loathe it with a white-hot loathing for evermore. It was like trying to run in quicksand. The SDK was so inscrutable (and rapidly mutating) that partial template specialisation in C++ was a model of lucidity by comparison.