Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Job offer

Should I take it?

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Jesus Hieronymus Christ. $500 for that? I'd have his arm off if I was in DC. What a soft shite!

Tip of the clown wig to Wayne.


Leg-iron said...

Why not ham it up a bit? Some ketchup and rips in the collar and leash and the mutt was 'savaged to death by an escaped wolverine then eaten by cows'.

For $100 more, I'd even provide some patches of blood-soaked fur as evidence.

SaltedSlug said...

Further to L-I's suggestion I would-at no extra cost- be willing to tell them said hound had not gone to heaven, neither had granny, oblivion is our fate and the Santa and the tooth fairy were also cruel lies.

And it would be a fucking bargain.

WV: actor. Bloody hell.

JuliaM said...

"$500 for that?"

For $500, Skittles will never be seen again.

No questions asked...

Now, where's the nearest construction site?

Fidothedog said...

What an easy job, collect the $500 and make another $50 on top selling the dog to a Korean food shop.

Anonymous said...

I thought the Obamas had a Portuguese water dog.

The Penguin said...

A dog is not just for Christmas, it makes good sandwich filler on Boxing Day.

The Penguin

Anonymous said...

pigeons,dogs,cats &kids
as seen on tv!
mwaa ha mwuaa ha
gnufaw gnufaw
scrunge scrunge

SaltedSlug said...

What he said ^^^

Rob said...

A cocker spaniel has become "a terror"? Is it a zombie dog or something? Posessed? Get a grip!

Not a sheep said...

"My kids are young and dramatic, their girls." So the father is illiterate; "they're" not "their".