Monday, 31 August 2009

From the vaults (an occasional series) - Turds -- A User's Guide

I thought I'd get this out of my system...

The Normal Turd

You sit down, it slips out, you wipe, you carry on with your life.

May or may not be whiffy.

The Morning After

You run for the toilet, not knowing whether to sit, kneel or stand, collapse in a cramped, agonised heap which is followed by a volcano-like eruption of molten magma from your anus. Miraculously, the spray of liquid shit defies the laws of physics, often making its way out of the toilet bowl completely. Often, streaks of brown are found on the toilet walls after one of these.

Wiping is usually as wasted effort, as the touch of paper makes your distended ringpiece convulse and eke out a few more drops.

Best followed by a shower and a hose down of the loo.

Stinks like fuck, usually burns your eyes as well.

The Black Flag

This is something only heavy Guinness drinkers know: the black paint that covers the paper of a night on the black stuff. The iron overdose usually means you don't feel too bad, though.

Smell depends on the accompanying meal.

The Lion Bar

This is one that always makes me go "what the fuck...?" It feels like a handful of chopped peanuts has been used to coat the turd. Very uncomfortable, but otherwise a Normal Turd.

The Goat Droppings

Fuck knows what causes this, but sometimes I do, in fact, push out a bunch of nice, firm pellets.

Doesn't seem to smell at all.

The Inverted Cornetto

I fucking hate this one. Some mornings you wake up, park on the crapper and then discover that your turd has formed a thick, unmovable crust at the ringpiece end. Getting this fucker out is generally quite eyewatering but once the hard, chocolate-covered end with nuts has stretched your rectum to birth-giving proportions, the rest of the cunter just slips out, having given you arse a seriously painful stretch.

I don't know if it smells or not, I'm usually too busy trying to use my legs.

Originally posted here.


Rob Farrington said...

The answer to the Inverted Cornetto is to eat an entire pack of sugar-free Polo Mints.

"Sorbitol may act as a laxative with some people" - they weren't kidding. If it hadn't been for the bathroom ceiling, I probably would have reached escape velocity.

Bugger Lugs said...

There is one I call the Hedgehog, most displeasurable.

Then there is the reverse Xmas Tree, enough said.

However, it is my opinion that a good well-formed shite must be one of the pleasures of life, second only to perfect sex, to which I am still aspiring, weakly.

The really worst, as a Type II diabetic happened after I ate a packed of "sugar-free" fruit sweets sweetened my maltol and with added sorbitol.

Within 30 minutes I had totally uncontrollable farts of varying degree of putridity. I actually spoiled the group photo during a conference in Italy and was shunned for the rest of the conference by everyone.

The shite took 48 hours to arrive and purge my system, just in time for the flight home.

Sometimes I think there is a God.

microdave said...

Thanks, I needed something to cheer me up!

Joe Public said...

Please refer to the well-known "Bristol Stool Chart"

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

I haven't laughed so much in ages. Brought tears to my eyes!

wv: skedni

(something you might do when on the skids, but not quite)

David Davis (Libertarian Alliance) said...

I think you should see what my Lebanese mother used to call...

"...I DUKTER..." (the "i" pronounced as a short "I" as in _iy_

HeartAttackSurvivor said...

You forgot the "Mortar" where you just get a single turd the size and shape of a gobstopper that pops out with a plosive "ftoom" and splashes your arse with bogwater.
Odour-free and usually followed by normal stoolage.