I thought I'd get this out of my system...
The Normal Turd
You sit down, it slips out, you wipe, you carry on with your life.
May or may not be whiffy.
The Morning After
You run for the toilet, not knowing whether to sit, kneel or stand, collapse in a cramped, agonised heap which is followed by a volcano-like eruption of molten magma from your anus. Miraculously, the spray of liquid shit defies the laws of physics, often making its way out of the toilet bowl completely. Often, streaks of brown are found on the toilet walls after one of these.
Wiping is usually as wasted effort, as the touch of paper makes your distended ringpiece convulse and eke out a few more drops.
Best followed by a shower and a hose down of the loo.
Stinks like fuck, usually burns your eyes as well.
The Black Flag
This is something only heavy Guinness drinkers know: the black paint that covers the paper of a night on the black stuff. The iron overdose usually means you don't feel too bad, though.
Smell depends on the accompanying meal.
The Lion Bar
This is one that always makes me go "what the fuck...?" It feels like a handful of chopped peanuts has been used to coat the turd. Very uncomfortable, but otherwise a Normal Turd.
The Goat Droppings
Fuck knows what causes this, but sometimes I do, in fact, push out a bunch of nice, firm pellets.
Doesn't seem to smell at all.
The Inverted Cornetto
I fucking hate this one. Some mornings you wake up, park on the crapper and then discover that your turd has formed a thick, unmovable crust at the ringpiece end. Getting this fucker out is generally quite eyewatering but once the hard, chocolate-covered end with nuts has stretched your rectum to birth-giving proportions, the rest of the cunter just slips out, having given you arse a seriously painful stretch.
I don't know if it smells or not, I'm usually too busy trying to use my legs.
Originally posted here.