Wednesday, 19 August 2009

FUCK THE ENGLISH!

I swear to God, I felt like Harry Potter going through the barrier on platform 9 3/4. There I'd been on the A74(M) and as it turned into the M6 and I arrived in England, a whole sea of other cars suddenly materialised out of nowhere.

And they were all cock-sucking motherfuckers. Especially the cuntwaft in the Jewish Racing Gold Mitsubishi Colt CC, who could see another car on the horizon and would not get out of the right-hand lane until he passed it, three fucking days later. And his fucking family were all out on the road too.

The absolute highlight of the day was the fat old munter in the white van, who decided that my indications that I wanted to get past her old shitheap merited giving me the finger, along with a whole bunch of verbal as I passed her when she eventually deigned to get out of the way. She kept pointing at her steering wheel or something, I'm guessing she was trying to tell me not to speed.

Well. Here's the thing, see? I have a satnav, and it gives me a more accurate speed reading than the speedometer in your shitty old rustbucket Ford Transit. And the real issue here is that you arrogantly sat in the overtaking lane for 15 miles TRAVELLING AT FUCKING 65 MILES PER HOUR IN A DUAL CARRIAGEWAY NATIONAL SPEED LIMIT, YOU DAFT FUCKING MOOSE!!!

THE rule of the road is "Keep Left". Even if your speedo reading gives you a massive rush of cuntjuice to the brain, it's still "keep left". you fat old fucking harridan.

37 comments:

SaltedSlug said...

Feel better now?

Bristol Dave said...

Fucking hell, even I feel better just reading it.

How many people seem to forget the "Keep Left" rule?

It's at its worst as soon as you cross the bridge into Wales. Seriously. Part of it I think is because of the stupid design of the M4 on the Welsh side whereby Lane 1 spends half it's time being a sliproad for junctions (rather than an extra sliproad branching off it) so people just get used to sitting in lanes 2 and 3. Fucking annoying though.

Anonymous said...

You do know that the national speed limit on dual carriageways is 60 for cars?

Pogo said...

No it's not you twat. It's 70!

SaltedSlug said...

Ah the challenges of the internet age, is anonymong being
a)funny
b)stupid

Let's go with b).

No cuntbubble, it's 70.

SaltedSlug said...

And I am defeated by Pogo's nimble fingers.
Now I am all limp and spent.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Indeed, the roads are full of wankers.

A.B. Gordon said...

It would be strange if she were reading this Oboe.

JuliaM said...

"How many people seem to forget the "Keep Left" rule?"

More and more each passing year. Soon, I'm going to start wondering if they've actually changed the motoring laws since I passed...

In fact, I think manufactureres should start engineering out the indicators. No-one seems to know what they are for anymore.

SaltedSlug said...

Oh and to second Dave's observation about the M4, I used to live in Cardiff and work in Bristol and can say with utter certainty:

Verily, that road is cunt soup

Constantly Furious said...

You typed that quite accurately, considering you were doing 65mph while writing it.

SaltedSlug said...

I've just had an awesome idea:

An oversized keyboard on which you type with a hammer.
I'll make millions.

As you were.

bayard said...

Simple solution to the white van munter problem: overtake on the inside. Perhaps the powers that be could notice that in other countries this doesn't cause constant mass death and make it legal.

Catosays said...

It's the one thing on M-Ways and others that makes mt piss boil. Cunts who will NOT pull over to the left. Since I drive a diesel Doblo I'm entitled to moan at these inconsiderate bastards.

Anonymous said...

fuck you too, you foul-mouthed porridge wog! try staying in your own country if you can't stand the heat in ours!

A non muse (I really need to think of a decent name) said...

Incidentally, a transit is limited to 50 on single carriageway, 60 on dual and 70 on motorway - an old colleague found this out the less pleasant way. However I don't wish to take away from your wholly justified rant; there is a distinct difference in driving styles from one side of the border to the other, the worst of which, the further south you drive the more often and longer that lorry drivers feel it is necessary to overtake another equally slow lorry, To then sit in the overtaking lane. In 3rd gear. On an incline if possible. Is there an unwritten rule to pull out in front of you at the last possible minute when you're traveling at twice their speed, causing a frantic application of the brakes, panicked looks in the rear mirror and only prayers stopping that guy behind from driving straight through the back of your head? I reserve a certain level of hatred for these morons. Then there's the inevitable pathetic whine that they have to, they've got to make their time, it's also why they don't pull over on a single carriage way because it might take a few extra minutes to get up to speed again - well boohoo! Kings of the road my arse.
Yes it is an overtaking lane, not a slow the entire traffic on the road to a near standstill lane - also clearly a lot of drivers haven't spent much time abroad where driving isn't hindered by the British affliction for queuing; where if you haven't moved over immediately, the sight in your rear mirror of a Maserati with all lights flashing and traveling at twice the speed of any limit in this country and no intention of slowing is a good reminder. I retain another level of hatred for Maserati drivers.
I have to say that London drivers, before anyone insecure and pathetic enough to accuse me of any anti-english sentiments, in my experience have been amongst the most courteous I have shared the road, but hey, there's good and bad drivers everywhere.

wv: sescleni - with a wave of the hand that's what you say when you've overtaken someone in Italy. Not.

Joe Public said...

My understanding is:-

If, as the Highway code instructs, you drive in the nearside lane, at the speed limit, you commit no offense.

[Not to be confused with 'undertaking' where you swerve around an outside-lane hogger to pass them.]

Robin B'stard MP said...

There was is minding my fucking business when this pale faced cunting clown with ginger tufts, an alkies nose and fucked up teeth comes sliding up behind me. Of course i'm going to slow the wanker down he scared the kids shitless and reduced the wife to a monosyllabic gibbering wreck......fuck me the peace was tranquility itself.

Oh, and my mother-in-law following in the white van was gesturing for you to go down on her you dumb fuck, she has a soft spot for ginger cross dressing window lickers..........

aljahom said...

You do know that speed limits are advisory, don't you, people?

http://aljahom.wordpress.com/2009/03/08/advisory-speed-limits-to-be-lowered/

:o)

Excellent work Obo.

AJ

Alan Wallace Jury Team said...

I've got the answer.

Snipers on the flyovers.

Simples

aljahom said...

By the way, I was amazed to see the words "KEEP LEFT UNLESS OVERTAKING" displayed on the motorway matrix signs a couple of months back.

I might even support the spending to make the signs bigger, so the words "YOU USELESS CUNT" can be appended.

AJ

wv: unctio

Relative of yours, Clown?

Joe Public said...

Obo, Is that you in this "IGun Traffic Rampage" clip......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlzoL-wQwio

AMW said...

I take it your not sending a Christmas card to her ?

AMW said...

I was going to call the woman a clown but erm i thought i had better not !!!

Im honestly in stitches reading about your car journey lol

mitch(in sunny Cyprus) said...

hey obo can you do a launguge pack for my sat nav? I would probably even pay for it.

Bristol Dave said...

I have to say, I undertake as a matter of course in these situations. As Jeremy Clarkson once rightly pointed out, if there's room for you to undertake, there's room for them to pull over.

I just work on the assumption that the person in the overtaking lane is going to turn right, at which point undertaking is illegal.

Oswald Bastable said...

Ah yes, the permanently baffled that drive in front of your fricken ambulance at 60 kph with sirens and beacons on, while your oppo deals with the poor bastard arresting in the back...

Rob said...

Undertaking is pefectly safe. There is no chance at all of the idiot moving into the left-hand lane. None whatsoever.

Brythnoth of Woodborough said...

I can see why you don't post your picture. You are obviously one of these dwarfish, rat-faced, pock-marked urban jocks of the 'trainspotting' variety. Having come to England at about age 8 as a rent-boy peddling your arsehole to rich arabs in London, you've decided to stay and be a parasite on the folk of your adopted land. Occasionally you spew out Robbie Burns type whinings about your betters - talk about a chip on your (rounded) shoulders, jimmie!

How we long for Scottish independence, so you and your low-life socialist countrymen can be deported back to your caves, bothies and tower-blocks, or, if you choose to stay, face a short and painful life being worked to death in a labour camp for fellow sub-humans.

England Arise!

microdave said...

"In fact, I think manufacturers should start engineering out the indicators."

I thought BMW already had.....

Tom Paine said...

Well "a non muse" (seems like a spot on name to me), on behalf of Maserati drivers everywhere, let me encourage you to be a bigger man and get over your envy. I can understand you might like to hold me there two seconds to savour the beauty in your rear view mirror, but then you should reflect that the back of the car looks just as good and take steps to enjoy that view too.

Pogo said...

@Tom Paine "but then you should reflect that the back of the car looks just as good and take steps to enjoy that view too."

... and they sound absolutely glorious as they go past too. :-)

Wyrdtimes said...

Enjoy it while you can. IIRC the Britshit government is planning to reduce the speed limit to 50mph.

But only in England of course because transport is a devolved issue.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

I'd like to point out to all the chippy cretins who are accusing me of the heinous crime of having been born in Scotland that I am, in fact, English.

Now fuck off or say something useful.

Thank you.

bayard said...

@Bristol Dave - last line in your post: don't you mean legal?

13th Spitfire said...

The best post I have read so far. Epic.

Daniel1979 said...

Thankfully my car does not have a "speed limit" so I can go as fast as I like.

tally ho.