Thursday, 17 September 2009

Guest Post: I hate holidays because ... by CJ

Foreigners have decent table manners

Fuck me - the French sit at tables and hold conversations with each other. If they have children, they sit on chairs, are involved in conversations with the adults, use a knife and fork and are encouraged to be still and quiet if they are not the focus of attention. Even when there are twelve of the buggers sitting together only a gentle murmer prevails as they converse rather than constantly outshout each other.

By contrast the extended family of English mongrel sewer rats next door (including Nanna and scrawny "Hayley" with two sprogs of different hues) yelled, burped, failed to understand, miscommunicated with waiters and got the third sprog to "shut the fuck up" by first clouting it and then giving it a mobile DVD player to watch - AT THE CUNTING TABLE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

They understand wine and are willing to pay for it. They order by name not price unlike the "I'll have a bottle of the 28 Euro stuff" requested in estuary English in another restaurant proudly displaying its first Michelin star.

Oh - and they treat waiters like skilled professionals rather than pond-life - unlike the Brits who will condescend and abuse at the first possible chance.

The bastards dress properly

Even the fucking Swiss seem to be able to co-ordinate their colours, wear clothes that fit and generally dress for the occasion.

After a fortnight of well dressed natives, the sight of the abundance of man made fibres at the Eurotunnel entrance was shocking. You could almost hear the snap crackle and pop as the pink fat Chelsea/Aresnal kit wearing clones waddled around snapping up last minute bargains.

And as for polyester shorts with zip-on legs for poor weather - either buy two pairs Wayne (one short, one long) or just fucking shoot yourself - you're beyond salvation.

Oh - and when dining in a decent establishment, shorts, sandals and creased polo-shirts are NOT de-rigueur. If that's your style fuck off to KFC you half witted proles.

They have cars

Real cars. You know - Audis, Renaults, Volvos, Fords. Three box designs with a wheel at each corner. They come in two types. New and shiny, or old and rusty with bits of gaffa tape holding the windows in place.

The minute you hit the M20 in Kent you are greeted by a plethora of odd shaped vehicles the size of chieftan tanks, or with blacked out windows, or sporting stickers, banners or flags, or with exhuasts and sub-woofers drowning out any other vehicle within miles. People don't drive cars here - they're just fucking mobile statements to make up for a total lack of personality.

Oh - and you can drive fast without the fear of hitting a jam or getting your collar felt by Plod. Granted, you pay for the privilege, but of you can't or won't pay the tolls, you'd be better off going to Butlins in the first place cunts.

And before I forget - lane discipline! Pull out, overtake and then return to where you started. It's not difficult it's not rocket science, but if everyone does it, it works a treat.

People smile

Yes really - they do. The bastards look happy. Even the chap cleaning the streets looks up for a quick "Bonjour" before going back to his duties - must be a higher quality of litter (no kebab wrappers, stale puke or broken glass there mate!)

You can have a quiet beer

A quiet beer - five or six if you like. Seated in a welcoming bar, served by a waiter or waitress. No loud music, no pushing no shoving. A total absence of glassy-eyed 'power drinking'. Decent stuff that tastes of something - not watered down piss or Wifebeater waiting to cause problems by sunset.

Fuck me I hate holidays

Not because I hate the sun, the people, the food or the atmosphere.


By fuck I hate England and the English. We lost our way a long time ago and every time I go abroad, this vile self-centred chav infested scum hole looks less and less appealing.

Originally posted here.


Rob said...

French beer is shite. I can't disagree with much else in your post, but the beer really is shite.

Quiet_Man said...

Got it nailed there, disagree with Rob though, 1664 brewed in Alsace Lorraine and served in French bars is superb, not like the 1664 brewed under license here.

Anonymous said...

I agree. Only trouble is I can't get out of this place. If were not educated, willing to work hard and fit in I am sure some nice place, like Canada or the US would have.

Anonymous said...

I was waiting to board the ferry in Santander and got the opposite. Home counties drawl "Nnnyyr we are orf to the Chelsea Garden Show with our friend the Viscount of Rasclart." I've met nice & nasty French (& other nationalities). I think some of the odium is if one speaks the lingo. Pshishi walked by and it was "Korva chlop, korva computer, korva boss,korva Magda". Scum are scum wherever they reside. But an enjoyable blog,gracias.

JuliaM said...

"French beer is shite. I can't disagree with much else in your post, but the beer really is shite."

I used to be rather fond - when doing the cross channel booze run, before it got pretty cheap over here - of some odd French beers they used to sell in the hypermarket that were brewed with rum and whisky.

I wonder if they still do them...?

I can also remember calling in to a little restaurant somewhere on the coast road (the D510?) and seeing a family just like this one - beautifully dressed and mannered kids, even the toddler, happily eating moules and using napkins.

Coming back to Dover was, indeed, like stepping back into purgatory.

Prodicus said...

Kindly get out of my head and think your own thoughts, would you?

Just got back from Germany and yet again my formerly patriotic old heart died a little more as I got on the ferry and surveyed my fellow passengers - long before I hit the M20.

Where did England go?

Ex-Pat Alfie said...

How I rejoice in my status as an Ex-Pat!!!!

Anonymous said...

Got to agree with a lot of this (I've been working near Marseille _NOT_ in it!) for around nine months now.

Seen french hoodies, but just don't get the threatened feeling, particularly when they kissed each other.

I don't believe any continentals have an equivalent of 'pram face'. I only remembered that they existed on the ferry back to the UK.

I am missing England, but absence helps, as does the fact that I live in the west-west-country (i.e. further than fucking Swindon).

My dearest wish is that we execute gordy and his winnets ASAP and CallMeDave turns out (against all the signs) to have 'a pair'

Anonymous said...

Some time, probably in the fucking 60s, some sociologist jackass informed the working classes of the country that they were every bit as good as the upper classes. They've been living down to that level ever since.

manfromthefuture said...

Agreed. Two other things; when you return you notice everything is covered in shit here. Funny how it’s invisible most of the time. You start noticing people here are looking at you aggressively, like they’re just one step away from punching you in the face.

Secondly, the trains work there and you’re not constantly bombarded by state-the-obvious announcements, and apologised to by robots.

George Kramer said...

Yes, I'm afraid I have to agree with most of this. I've been to numerous countries in Europe over the last few years and each time have been thoroughly disappointed to conclude they are better than here.

Particularly annoying was Paris. I expected to encounter riots in rubbish strewn streets but was greeted by general ..... erm....civilisation. Not like here where I walk through town (at lunchtime) trying to avoid eye contact just in case.....

Anonymous said...

You have described to a tee the family i unfortunately had sit next to me in a Spanish restauarant earlier this year complete with mobile DVD player,my father in law used to live in Spain he said the Spanish called the English " Gipsies"
after i had experienced these particular scum i could well understand why.

Rob said...

"when you return you notice everything is covered in shit here."

In the case of pavements I would disagree. French pavements are covered in shit to a remarkable degree, especially given the distinct lack of other litter compared to UK streets. I just don't get it.

Are the French just far more careful about litter but have more incontinent dogs?

woman on a raft said...

Oh dear, I thought it was just me. Why have we got the crap part of the EU but not managed to get what ever it is that makes France, Italy, Portugal etc, tick?

When I go abroad - which isn't often - I'm struck by the way they don't seem to have hollowed out their societies. We've done something wrong. I like to think of myself as patriotic, but when I try to make a list of "why this country is the best in the world" I just don't get many entries.

It's like the realm has committed suicide and I'm hunting for the explanatory "goodbye" letter.