Friday, 9 April 2010

Look ...

It's not fucking hard, you cunts: keep left.

Not keep left unless you feel like it, or keep left when there's not another car between you and the horizon. It's just keep fucking left.

And you, in the new black M3 convertible? I'm fucking especially talking to you, you stupid cunt.

27 comments:

williamsjk said...

I've got a recording of someone yelling 'keep left' on my car stereo that I play rather loudly when someone doesn't. It's most effective in slow moving traffic.

J Demetriou said...

Poor Obo. How I feel your pain.

It's a recent phenomenon though. When I was a younger driver, people always kept left. Now the dozy, docile, great unwashed of thick moronic cunts out there seem to think the middle lane is the new slow lane.

Effectively turning three lane motorways across Britain into two lane carriage ways with entirely empty slow lanes.

They don't realise it slows everyone including them down.

You're right. They are fucking cunts.

Dungeekin said...

And you, in the new black M3 convertible? I'm fucking especially talking to you, you stupid cunt.

Fucking BMW drivers. Incompetent cocks.

*grin*

D

George said...

Just undertake, there's never any coppers on the motorways anyway, I have travelled down the second lane at the new M1 (Luton) road widening for 2/3 miles undertaking every cunt dawdling along in the 3rd and 4th lane.

J Demetriou said...

George is right. So long as you keep your eye out, undertaking will see you fly past the cunts out there in the fast lane.

I've also done that on the Luton bit of the M1, works a treat.

Kingbingo said...

"Now the dozy, docile, great unwashed of thick moronic cunts out there seem to think the middle lane is the new slow lane."

That's cool, means I get my own private lane to drive in as fast or slow as I like.

Tragically, you will occasionally get someone using the left lane for going slow, but they are few and far between so they can be overtaken as needed. Then its back to whizzing past dozens of people in the chocka middle lane.

williamsjk said...

George is spot on I drove most of the way from Oxford to Birmingham in the left hand lane on the M40 the other week undertaking people in the other two lanes the whole time.

Granted the policeman in front of me was as well ;)

The Rt Hon. Grim Reaper said...

Isn't it strange how nobody ever seems to admit to being one of these people who hogs the middle lane? Possibly tens of thousands of people do it daily, but no one ever owns up.

The one other thing that pisses me off on motorways and dual carriageways is people who don't use their indicators. I don't know about you, but I was taught to indicate whenever I wanted to change lane. So when people suddenly barge back into the left lane giving no warning whatsoever, boy does it fuck me right off.

Ultimately, I think the best policy is to assume everyone else on the road is a cunt.

Bristol Dave said...

I have to put in my support for undertaking as well, it's the best way of dealing with it.

Furthermore, beeping as you undertake them usually let's them know exactly what they've done wrong and is immensly satisfying.

Even if the police spot me I'd just claim "Well, they must be intending on turning right officer, as there wasn't any traffic in the inside lane and they hadn't pulled back in" (in which case it's legal to undertake someone).

Besides, if there was room for you to undertake, there was room for them to pull the fuck over.

I fucking HATE middle-lane hogs. It shows that the driver has just tuned out, is sat in the "middle lane comfort zone", patently has no idea what the fuck is going on around them (otherwise they would have noticed the inside lane is empty and would have pulled into back it) and are therefore a danger to themselves and others.

Finally, grim reaper - I was actually taught (though I'm not claiming it's necessarily correct) that you don't need to indicate to pull back left into a lane as you should be doing it anyway (keep left except when overtaking or turning right).

williamsjk said...

@Bristol Dave

You're right that you don't have to indicate - but it is good maners, and a damn sight safer to do so.

Bristol Dave said...

@williamsjk

Agreed!

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

What a blokey conversation! I feel totally left out as a gal. Think I might go and peel those potatoes.

Stuart said...

It's not fucking hard, you cunts: keep left.

Thought you were talking politically to start with....

RantinRab said...

I'm currently taking driving lessons.

Reading this, what am I letting myself in for?

Fidel Cuntstruck said...

:0) This has a deja vu feel about it doesn't it?

Obo, BD, BMWs, incompetance on the road - I thought I was elsewhere for a moment

Jeff Wood said...

Rab, as someone who took his test forty years ago, I really sympathise with, and admire you for learning on today's roads.

Stay awake; check your mirrors; look ahead to the near, middle and far distance in turn; plan your overtaking as far as possible; indicate even when you don't have to to ingrain the habit. That lot should get you there most times.

Oh, and assume that every child and animal you see plans to through itself under your wheels.

Jeff Wood said...

"...throw itself under your wheels"

Christ, my spelling and proofreading have gone west since Al Gore invented the Internet.

Uncle Marvo said...

Rt Hon? That Reaper's getting up himself.

Bucko said...

Mr Reaper -"Ultimately, I think the best policy is to assume everyone else on the road is a cunt."

Everyone else on the road IS a cunt! :-)

The Rt Hon. Grim Reaper said...

@Bristol Dave: I think you're right with that one from a legal point of view, but I reckon it's only good manners to let anyone behind you know what you're intending to do.

@UncleMarvo: I'd say it's more of a piss-take than any egotistical leanings on my behalf. When I pointed out a fail by Iain Dale the other day, he referred to me as the "Honorable Reaper" in his reply. If that makes me an egotistical cunt, so be it.

@Bucko: I totally agree. Everyone else on the road IS a cunt. There's a nomination in there as well. Though I think everyone, including myself, is capable of a certain degree of cuntishness behind the wheel. It's just that some are capable of a hell of a lot of it.

Anonymous said...

Everyone else on the road is an idiot.

And the middle lane tools don't stay there because they have zoned out, but because they are scared. If they move over to the inner lane (or outer, round Glasgow), they might end up 'trapped' behind a truck and so might HAVE TO SLOW DOWN.

Catosays said...

Let's include the pricks who join a Motorway and expect me to move from Lane 1 to Lane 2 to let them in. Fat fucking chance. Either speed up or slow down.

microdave said...

@ sixtypoundsaweekcleaner - why should this be "blokey" conversation? Don't women use motorways as well?

"Fucking BMW drivers. Incompetent cocks."

It seems that BMW are aware of the problem, and have issued a recall:
http://newsarse.com/2010/02/17/bmw-to-recall-3-series-amid-reports-of-faults-causing-owners-to-drive-like-dicks/

J Demetriou said...

I reckon libertarians are better drivers. Because we have it in us to take more responsibility over our actions and lives.

The great unwashed out there, the fucking docile followers, the sheep, the morons, the fucking idiots, the sorts of people who vote labour or sit around watching Corrie, are the cunts who think "they" (the state etc) owes them a living.

Little wonder when they get behind the wheel of a car, they think they can drive as they please and everyone else has to accommodate.

CUNTS.

Anonymous said...

fuckin ell you still alive you parasite? kill yourself now do us all a favour

Oleuanna said...

Are you all fucking serious?

Utter cuntage...

bayard said...

You're all swimming against the tide: as soon as the inside lane started to be referred to as the "slow lane" or even the "loser lane" it was guaranteed that there'd be a large number of drivers who wouldn't be seen dead in it.