Saturday, 23 July 2011

Torn

I know it's Amy Winehouse who's dead and not Natalie Imbruglia. But I do feel torn, because part of me feels that we all have responsibility for our own lives, while part of me understands very fucking well indeed what it's like to lose control of your life and everything spirals out of your reach and to reach for something that will take the pain away, even if it's for a while.

I don't mind mentalist jokes and abuse, indeed, absolutely nothing matters to me any more, and I suspect Amy felt the same. Yes, it's sad for those left behind, but they were unable to feel Amy's pain and there was nothing they could do to help her.

It's a shit crumb of comfort to take away, if you actually knew Amy, but at least she has peace now.

I can't tell you how much I crave that myself. Peace. No more pain. No more despair.

But equally, if she was anything like me, I don't expect or want some well-meaning, better-knowing cuntwaft to come in and sort it out for me. It can't be done. The damage is all inside me, nothing outside can touch it, let alone heal it.

I'm standing at the top of the same staircase she was. I've take a few tentative steps down in to the comforting darkness. I'm on my own. No-one can hold my hand and lead me out. The damage is done and the only person who can decide which way I'm going to go, every day, is me. All the love, all the pills, all the money in the world can't drag me up again.

It's all in my head.

Either I escape, or eventually, the pain gets too much and I get my peace.

Either way you win.

20 comments:

Mark Hendy said...

I won't pretend to offer help, nor will I tell you what to do. Know this though. You are never alone.

JuliaM said...

"The damage is done and the only person who can decide which way I'm going to go, every day, is me."

If more people remembered this one, simple truth, there might be less regret in the world...

Anonymous said...

Have you gone gay?

John Demetriou said...

Is this you speaking from the heart on yourself, or part of some way of expressing a view on death?

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

Now steady on there, Clown. You are never alone, though in your darkest moments, I admit it often feels like it. You just have to reach out and talk to friends...

I'm sure you have a few real ones, even if it's just us in the bloggosphere.

Share it. Don't keep it all inside.

If all fails, pour yourself a beer.

Captain Ranty said...

It reads very much like a good-bye note to me.

I can't help either, other than to beg you, as a fellow human, to reconsider.

Is there no-one you can talk to, apart from us virtual cunts, that is?

Whether you know it or not, the world needs Obo for a while longer yet.

CR.

John Demetriou said...

Chin up, Clown. You're obviously quite a clever and talented bloke, and you have rounded up large numbers of fans and followers with amazing ease. From that alone one can tell you have much going for you in life.

Lay off the booze, take a trip somewhere nice, chill, sort yourself out then overhaul it all and start a new leaf.

Ol' 'D' is here to help on your depression. Be right.

F***W*T TW****R said...

At least you don't have to live with the knowledge that you're a Polly Titian. The cunts.

Dennis said...

"Really, does anyone give a shit?"

Yes,

Robert Edwards said...

For what its worth, my experience tells me that there is a certain type of intelligence which demands a high price and that this represents one side of the coin of the mind. The other can be (particularly) artistic, creative and communication gifts. Introspection is inevitable. But, although you are correct regarding damage, more of it is repairable than you may think.And believe me, I know this to be true.

And, as others have said, we are not alone. There is more sound and experienced advice flying around the Libertarian blogosphere than any other placee I have ever seen.

My daughtetrs are horrified at the news re. poor Amy W, and are struggling to make sense of it all.

It is a terrible lesson for everyone.

So keep your chins up!

Frances Coppola said...

Oh clowny. The world would be a much poorer place without you. And I would miss your obnoxious comments. Don't do it!

Angry Exile said...

Can't think of anything that hasn't been said up there already. I thought the blogosphere would be a poorer place without Obo the Clown. The world would be a poorer place without the guy under the clown wig.

Anonymous said...

Cunt

Jampat said...

Obo, one of my friends died today in similar circumstances as Miss Winehouse. Even though he had been on a downward spiral for a while it was a shock. Everyone that knew him is devastated even though it was kind of expected.

I'll pass on the my last words to my mate that I hope you'll take on board, even if he didn't. Look after yourself mate, we'll all miss you if you're not around.

Do what you want to do, it's your life mate, just take care. Oh, and you're cunt.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Jampat, you're very kind and I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

I wish I could say the words that would make you feel comforted, but the truth is that through no fault of yours, you can't reach the person who is there.

I mean, I have people I know who care for me and they say things but they just don't register. It's like something is unplugged and good stuff doesn't get through, only bad stuff.

I'm not sure I'm making sense, but it was kind of the the point of the post.

Condolences, but don't blame yourself for any of it.

Anonymous said...

Informix does that to us all, Obo.

Seriously, please consider getting yourself a good doctor who'll prescribe Xanax or something similar.

I've been through this a few times myself. Everyone who knows me thinks that I'm successful and well-adjusted.

Paul said...

Obo, I like reading your shite. Your shite is much better than my shite, which no one ever reads anyway and if they do it is merely a momentary period of bewilderment and a quick scoff before they move onto more worthy efforts. I am not a blogger. I am not anything.

What I'm trying to say, old chap, is that I've read your blog, on and off, for years. We don't know you. I get the impression that your offline persona is far more humane, sympathetic and restrained than your offline persona. Look after yourself, alright?

Paul said...

Should read:

We don't know you. I get the impression that your offline persona is far more humane, sympathetic and restrained than your online persona.

See what I mean? Even the typist is useless.

In all seriousness though, I hope you're not appearing tame to too many children out there.

Rightwinggit said...

Been there, came back.

It occurred to me that there are a lot of cunts in the world that need annoying, having their head fucked up and ruining their lives if you get lucky..it's a public service!

So, I have to be here...

OllyAnCap said...

thank you for posting this Obnoxio. You are quite right, there is no-one who can help you, it's up to you. Introspection has benefited me no end.