Why is Call Me Dave so fucking useless at beating the shit out of the Gorgon, then?
Day after day, we are presented with staggering government incompetence, waste, Mugabean abuse of privilege, malicious abuse of the public's wallet and, quite frankly, treason. Any halfway competent opposition should be eating this load of shambolic cockmongers for breakfast.
And what do we get? A bunch of simpering cockmonkeys, gently fellating Gorgon's ego and entirely failing to build up the slightest pretence of any kind of coherent attack on the government. They do just enough to be able to say that they are trying to be an opposition. You can almost hear the sulky moans, though: "But it's so hard! It's not fair! Gorgon's a cheater!"
Yeah, it's all true. But real winners don't fucking stand there, beating their breasts and wailing. They get out there, and do what they fucking need to do.
And Call Me Dave is just pouting in the corner. What's the reason, do you think?
Is it that there is no real difference between Cameronism and New Labourism? Certainly, the Gorgon doesn't seem to have any problem with nicking Call Me Dave's ideas and passing them off as his own. And Call Me Dave certainly hasn't been able to portray himself as someone with a clear agenda that the Gorgon can't nick.
Is it because Call Me Dave knows how shitty the stick is that he's going to be picking up? Because the prospect certainly does exist that he will pick up a very poisonous chalice that will leave him with but one term in office when the feckless British public get tired of taking their medicine and Mandelsnake leads the dozy fuckers back into an era with no more boom and bust, honest.
Is it because Call Me Dave is actually quite cool with the idea of just earning decent wonga and a groovy pension and doesn't actually want to do the hard stuff?
Tell you what, fuck features: let me do it. You can sit on the back benches and collect your cheque, I'll fucking sort this out. I will be vastly more unpopular than Thatcher, Major, Blair and Gordon combined. But at the end of five years, this country will be a very different place.
And maybe for a while, it won't matter what the government tries to do.