Monday, 26 October 2009

I'm nosey, I'm nosey, nosey, nosey

Ah yes, our civil "service" with the collusion of our wise and kind government has come up with the most intrusive and invasive census ever:

Here is some sound advice for anyone having an illicit love affair: if you do not want to be found out, do not arrange to sleep together on the night of March 27-28 2011.

That is the night when the Government is going to count the British population, creating a precise, comprehensive record of who was sleeping where, how old they were, what ethnic background they came from, and what kind of central heating kept them warm that night. The 2011 census is already being called a "snoopers' charter". It is certainly going to give everyone an incentive not to lay their head to rest in the wrong house, at least for that one night.

The Conservatives complained yesterday that the 32-page questionnaire is too long, too expensive, and likely to undermine public support for the exercise, especially since anyone who does not fill in the form risks a £1,000 fine. They will be sent out by post but it will be possible to fill them in online.

Snooper's charter? Sounds ominous:

The question about a person's marital status has expanded from four possibilities – married, separated, divorced, or widowed – to eight. Householders will also be asked to state how many bedrooms are in their home, information that could affect the size of council tax bills, and whether its central heating is gas, electric, oil or solid fuel. Another new question is about second homes. Anyone who stays at a different address for more than 30 days a years will be required to specify the address. For MPs, that information is now public knowledge; others might wonder why the state needs to know.

Indeed. The state can and should fuck right off with all this. It is legitimate to know how many people are in the shithole of a cuntry, but as for the rest of it, what fucking business is it of theirs? It should come as no surprise that:

The Cabinet Office minister Angela Smith said: "The questions have been devised to produce reliable and accurate data. The Office for National Statistics has carried out extensive consultations and testing to ensure that the questions are justified."

Really, Angela? Who the fucking cunt did you "consult" with? Your colleagues in the fucking Cabinet Orifice? Because no fucker asked me, nor did I ever hear any mention of a consultation, nor was anybody of a libertarian bent consulted, because you can fucking bet we would have screamed like stuck fucking pigs.

Labour: gearing up to crush you under a totalitarian boot since 1997. And don't think those Tory fuckers are any better either.

Cunts - they are all fucking cunts.

Update: This:

And for the first time since the mid-1970s the questionnaire will include an entire page devoted to Dutch Steamboating.


Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Why do 'they' need this data? And how are they going to read the forms as they will be inserted up their arses?

David Davis (Libertarian Alliance) said...

The problem with the bureaucratic mindset, and with "data", is that to them, if "data" are potentially available, then they, "data", MUST be collected.

The buggers may not even want that particular data right then, but it may "come in useful for something".... some other repressive measure later on, perhaps not yet even gestated or conceived.

A mass non-fill-in will never work for you can never get enough people to comply, and individials will be punitively picked off.

No. the solution is to filll the thing in, but with many mutually-conflicting-logic-strands, and will many gaps, and many abstuse things like "jedi Knight", but we wll have to be more imaginative than that this next time.

We can make the thing totally useless and quite legally, if we co-operate a bit in time.

David Davis (Libertarian Alliance) said...

They'll then know approx how many of us farm-animals there are, sort of, but next to nothing that's useful to them about us all.

Pogo said...

If the Conservatives don't like it, always assuming they're in power by then, they can change it can't they.

Not holding my breath though.

I suppose also that a lot of people could arrange to be "on holiday abroad" at that time.

aljahom said...

David Davis is correct.

Forewarned is forearmed and by 2011 we should be properly equipped and organised to fuck their census up royally.

The Jedi crap from 2001 will look like decidedly small beer.

And they think my G/F who spends circa 30-40 weekends a year with me should put my address on her census form?

Oh yeah - then the council will be looking to reduce my single person discount on my cuntcil tax.

Fuck all the way off.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Worst "I've got a girlfriend, honest" post ev4r. ;o)

Reason said...

The Nazis identified Jews through a question in the 1933 census.

manfromthefuture said...

Surely they know all this stuff anyway. Most of this was asked in the last census. Features about your house are on the land registry in any case. Even if they asked about wealth and earnings, they already know this through the tax returns.

Are there any questions at all that they don’t really know the answer already?

Dr Evadne said...

The so called consultation that Angela Smith is waffling on about is probably the trial run that they did up here in the Western Isles this year. (I think they did in other places in Scotland but I wasn't paying attention when we were given the pep talk). I do recall a number of questions where I said, 'I'm not fing going to answer that!'. There was a question about household income, the usual religious type questions and one about same-sex marriages which caused one of the locals to voice his objection in the local press.

We were also 'encouraged' to complete the stupid thing online and was assured that the data would be kept safe. Yeah, right! In my opinion, they need the 'data' probably because they are going to flog it to marketing firms, local authorities and other such toss pots. In electronic form it can be sent anywhere with the press of a button.

aljahom said...

Worst "I've got a girlfriend, honest" post ev4r. ;o)

Sigh.. it's a fair cop.. Pam is as lovely as her sisters though.

nemo_sum said...

'Dutch Steamboating?' - all right, but how about 'owling'? As far as I know (The Daily Mash) that is still illegal and, some say, quite dangerous!

Leg-iron said...

The census holds no fear for me. I live under a bridge on the A90 and my profession is pebble-licker. I sleep with a duck called Mabel who spends part of her time under the bridge and the rest on a nearby island where I suspect she's cheating with Derek the swan. He has a bigger... but that's not on the form yet.

My religion is 'racist-Nazi-bigot' and I only like children if well roasted with rosemary and tobacco. I am both smoker and non-smoker and drinker and non-drinker. I will tick every ethnic box they provide.

I have a family. I found it in a caravan that was all quiet and peaceful by the side of the road. They don't like me yet but they'll come around after a few more whippings. I've had other families in the past but they don't seem to last long. Perhaps I should feed them. What do families eat?

By 2011 I'll have thought up enough answers to make whoever reads those forms shit themselves.

It won't have my name on it, naturally.

It'll have yours.

JP said...

"What's your name?"


"Aha, aha. And do you take it anally?"