Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you'll stop worrying about all those police warnings of strange, angry man lurking around your housing estate with his hands wedged permanently down the front of his pants. It was you all along.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Start spreading the news. You're leaving today. You'll make a brand new start of it, but I'm afraid your name will still be on the register until July 2019 at the earliest.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you're having issues with a work colleague, why not send them one of those passive-aggressive emails and copy their boss in on it? Everybody loves it when they get one of those.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A productive week as you crush your friend's gentle Christian faith under the relentless heel of your humourless atheism, leaving them bereft of hope, solace or joy. Serves the fucker right.