Friday, 11 December 2009

#Expensaquiddick


How dare you question my entitlement?


I suspect I'm in a minority here, but the inevitable "expensegate" sounds rather dull, so I've gone for a different variation.

However, the story is the same: thieving, greedy fucks are pissing our money away and wondering why we're all so upset:

Unhappy days are here again. In the fun factory we MPs are under extraordinary rendition and subject to regular doses of waterboarding. The latest began today with the publication of our allowance claims for the year up to April to add to the four years of greedy guzzle chronicled by the Daily Telegraph. This will then be followed by the All Knight Torture party of Sir Thomas Legg and Sir Christopher Kelly, Gordon's Presbyterian inquisition. They resume their efforts with the publication of Legg's shakedown list of fiddlers on 20 December, the prelude to a month of appeals to a high court judge who will ritually reject them so the victims can be thrown to an outraged public as a preface to Kelly reforms designed to make their job undoable.


Really, you fat, egregious fuckmonkey? Really?

Firstly, no-one objects to reasonable expenses. It's the insane unreasonableness of arrogant MPs that gets people so entirely fucked off with you scumbags. Why exactly do you need a £75 kettle when a £10 kettle will do exactly the same job?

Secondly, do you really think that actually accounting for your expenses to the fuckers that pay them renders your job "undoable"? You fucking mental fucking basket case: every fucker outside of Parliament has to properly account for fucking every penny they claim. And they don't have the luxury of tolerant and unaccountable mates taking your word for everything by default.

But how is this for truly astonishing?

I blame Gordon Brown for allowing both to take their mandarin's revenge on MPs. He appointed mandarins with no knowledge of the real world and a grudge against troublesome MPs.


Wow. Imagine how fucking "out there" you have to be for an MP to claim that you have no knowledge of the real world.

Listen, you fucking fuck: you are the one living in fucking la-la land, you overpaid fucking buffooon. Even those fucking mandarins have a tighter expense policy than you do, you trough-snuffling sack of fucking shit.

They duly took their revenge for years of being excluded from the sofas of power and bullied by brutish parliamentarians. Legg's shakedown has now reached me with a whacking claim for repayment of an overpaid mortgage. It's largely my fault, but it's also due to the incompetence of the fees office.


It wasn't me. The big, nasty boys from the fees office did it and ran away.

Listen, you fucking cunt: how difficult is it to understand the following words?

The Additional Costs Allowance (ACA) reimburses Members of Parliament for expenses wholly, exclusively and necessarily incurred when staying overnight away from their main UK residence (referred to below as their main home) for the purpose of performing Parliamentary duties. This excludes expenses that have been incurred for purely personal or political purposes.


It's just within the bounds of reason that a kettle might be justified. But a £75 kettle? FUCK. OFF.

Yet no excuses can save me from the wrath of Grimsby. The mood produced by the Daily Telegraph is so ugly and so immune to reason.


Immune to reason? IMMUNE TO REASON? You arrogant FUCK!

It's not that we are immune to reason, it's that you motherfucking thieving whores are immune to fucking contrition!

How fucking DARE YOU get caught fucking thieving money from the public, not change your ways and then try to say that WE are immune to reason?

And then just to fucking rub some salt into the wounds, you drag the old fucking trout you married into this:

Note from Austin Mitchell's wife, Linda McDougall: I'm fed up of being blamed for everything that goes wrong. For the past 30 years or so we had a Russell Hobbs "Forgettle". It lasted so long it was a family legend. When it finally gave up the ghost I decided to replace it with another Russell Hobbs.

I chose the model at £75.99 because it looked attractive and durable and I thought it would probably "see me out". A proper consideration for the bus pass generation. Since Austin hardly ever uses it he should shut up.


Linda, you old fuck: the considerations of the "bus pass generation" are entirely fucking irrelevant and it's not the job of the taxpayer to fund your fucking kettle for the rest of you egregiously overpaid, money-grubbing fucking life. It's our job to fund the bare necessities your husband needs to do his fucking job, while he's doing his fucking job.

What happens to you after that is between your fat fucking thieving husband and the cuntishly gold-plated pension he will be stealing from us after he fucks off.

As far as I'm concerned, the thieving pair of you can't fucking die soon enough. I just hope it's painful.

26 comments:

Dungeekin said...

*Standing ovation*.

A worthy nominee for 'Blogosphere Rant Of The Year'.

D

Angry Exile said...

In the fun factory we MPs are under extraordinary rendition and subject to regular doses of waterboarding.

You can waterboard the MPs now? Oh fuck it. If I'd known that I wouldn't have left the country.

JuliaM said...

/wildapplause

*whistles*

ranter said...

Austin Mitchell...............I agree with every word you wrote about this smug corrupt cunt!

They should all be lined up and made to dig their own part of the mass grave they should end up in.

Anonymous said...

Heh heh. Your blood pressure must be cooking, but as an Informix man, that's par for the course for you.

Austin Mitchell is the MP for Grimsby, a ghastly place by all accounts. This old twat was only a sociologist - what sort of fucking job is that?

So can't this shit get it through his dirty Labour head that people in Grimsby are poor? That's why they voted for the cunt. Then his woman goes and buys a kettle that even I'd hit the roof over if my bird lashed out like that.

I hate poor people. I think they're cunts. They keep voting Labour and make my streets untidy. But I've decided to do something for them, because I'm not completely evil. Hey, it's Christmas!

I have placed a five-pound note in an envelope, with a Post-It note saying 'Please visit the home of Austin Mitchell MP'. The envelope is addressed to 'Cancer Claus'.

In reality, it will probably end up in some Postal Office employee's pocket, or sent to a charity. I care not. Possibly - just possibly, Cancer Claus will drop in at my behest. Wouldn't that be nice?

Merry Christmas, one and all!

sickofit said...

Other than that does he do a good job for his constituency?

vervet said...

You've totally nailed it there OBO - I second every word and then third all the sweary bits !

Joe Public said...

Why the fuck should working taxpayers be taxed to the hilt by HMRC for "benefits in kind", yet the thieving troughers not only don't get taxed, they don't even pay for those goods.

As King James said of the original Guido Fawkes, "let's start with the gentler tortures"

Joe Public said...

You forgot to mention that normal workers get sacked when caught fiddling expenses.

And some unfortunates ALSO lose their pensions too.

Effing MPs get a golden goodbye if caught out.

steveshark said...

I fucking give up - I'm never going to top that.
A 5* rant and full of truth to boot.
What an arrogant, troughing cuntwaft.

AndrewRuss said...

Ahh! well, that rant made ME feel a whole lot better. Nice one Obo!

Clovis Luik said...

It suddenly occured to me that almost my entire knowledge of the UK system of government comes from Obnoxio and old Monty Python Reruns. Am i getting an accurate picture ?

Kingbingo said...

I've never really given half a flying fuck about expenses anyhow.

Not since I know full well that MEP's get so much more to say nothing of Euro officials and Euro Commissioners.

The knowledge these guys can be voted out, means I have never and continue not to care about their expenses. If people don't like it, vote them out.

Can't do that to the new EUSSR President can you?

Mitch said...

Just about sums up my feelings on the subject, they are scum, thieving, lying useless scum.

Fidothedog said...

I covered this parasitic cock weevil as well.

microdave said...

I see that normal service has resumed - I lost count of how many "Fucks" were in that excellent rant!

@Clovis Luik - YES!

W/V "suphedol" - isn't that something NICE won't allow doctors to prescribe due to the cost?

Anonymous said...

'But a £75 kettle?'

i could almost justify spending that amount if the kettle then belonged to the tax payer and would be passed on to the next, just like they do in army quarters, but it isn't like that is it ? it gets bought and then somehow disappears and the next person then gets to buy another one.

Fidel Cuntstruck said...

Seventy five fucking quid - for a kettle?

I used to think That Austin Mitchell was one of the less odious ones...

.. I see I was fucking wrong.

Onan the Rotarian said...

Good on ya Krusty. Keep sticking it up 'em!

Dick Puddlecote said...

That kettle cost more than my do-everything Brother printer/fax/scanner/photocopier/lawnmower.

On the plus side, he's always had a bit of character, though he's getting right grizzly now.

Hmm. A casting vote. Nah, hope the cunt rots.

J Demetriou said...

Fucking ace piece, man. Nicely said.

Mr Rob said...

An excellent, if somewhat restrained, analysis.

By the way, when the penile wart said "They duly took their revenge for years of being excluded from the sofas of power" I wonder what he meant...they don't have sofas in Cabinet do they, or am I missing something?

TheFatBigot said...

His wife says he never uses the kettle. It seems reasonable to infer that he never uses the kettle in the other home either (be it London or Grimsby, it matters not).

So, when he first became an MP a second kettle had to be bought and thereafter only one kettle has been used at a time. In principle the number of replacement kettles required during a Parliament will be the same whether he has one home or two.

Having funded the first additional kettle there is no justification at all for the taxpayer buying him another. What he loses on his second-home kettle he wins on lack of wear and tear on his first-home kettle.

Blind Pugh said...

Were there an Oscar for Blogging Rant of the Year, this would win hands down. An excellent summation, sir. You are an example to us all. Lucid yet full of rage, coherent yet obscene.

Bravo!!!!

Anonymous said...

Fucking awesome.

I love it when the cunt tries to make out he'd be "too smelly" to attend select committees etc. without a second home. I mean, I know London is rapidly turning into a fucking Third World hellhole but surely some of the 3* star hotels and B&Bs have got bathrooms?

filosofee said...

You tell 'em Obnoxio! :-)