I suspect I'm in a minority here, but the inevitable "expensegate" sounds rather dull, so I've gone for a different variation.
However, the story is the same: thieving, greedy fucks are pissing our money away and wondering why we're all so upset:
Unhappy days are here again. In the fun factory we MPs are under extraordinary rendition and subject to regular doses of waterboarding. The latest began today with the publication of our allowance claims for the year up to April to add to the four years of greedy guzzle chronicled by the Daily Telegraph. This will then be followed by the All Knight Torture party of Sir Thomas Legg and Sir Christopher Kelly, Gordon's Presbyterian inquisition. They resume their efforts with the publication of Legg's shakedown list of fiddlers on 20 December, the prelude to a month of appeals to a high court judge who will ritually reject them so the victims can be thrown to an outraged public as a preface to Kelly reforms designed to make their job undoable.
Really, you fat, egregious fuckmonkey? Really?
Firstly, no-one objects to reasonable expenses. It's the insane unreasonableness of arrogant MPs that gets people so entirely fucked off with you scumbags. Why exactly do you need a £75 kettle when a £10 kettle will do exactly the same job?
Secondly, do you really think that actually accounting for your expenses to the fuckers that pay them renders your job "undoable"? You fucking mental fucking basket case: every fucker outside of Parliament has to properly account for fucking every penny they claim. And they don't have the luxury of tolerant and unaccountable mates taking your word for everything by default.
But how is this for truly astonishing?
I blame Gordon Brown for allowing both to take their mandarin's revenge on MPs. He appointed mandarins with no knowledge of the real world and a grudge against troublesome MPs.
Wow. Imagine how fucking "out there" you have to be for an MP to claim that you have no knowledge of the real world.
Listen, you fucking fuck: you are the one living in fucking la-la land, you overpaid fucking buffooon. Even those fucking mandarins have a tighter expense policy than you do, you trough-snuffling sack of fucking shit.
They duly took their revenge for years of being excluded from the sofas of power and bullied by brutish parliamentarians. Legg's shakedown has now reached me with a whacking claim for repayment of an overpaid mortgage. It's largely my fault, but it's also due to the incompetence of the fees office.
It wasn't me. The big, nasty boys from the fees office did it and ran away.
Listen, you fucking cunt: how difficult is it to understand the following words?
The Additional Costs Allowance (ACA) reimburses Members of Parliament for expenses wholly, exclusively and necessarily incurred when staying overnight away from their main UK residence (referred to below as their main home) for the purpose of performing Parliamentary duties. This excludes expenses that have been incurred for purely personal or political purposes.
It's just within the bounds of reason that a kettle might be justified. But a £75 kettle? FUCK. OFF.
Yet no excuses can save me from the wrath of Grimsby. The mood produced by the Daily Telegraph is so ugly and so immune to reason.
Immune to reason? IMMUNE TO REASON? You arrogant FUCK!
It's not that we are immune to reason, it's that you motherfucking thieving whores are immune to fucking contrition!
How fucking DARE YOU get caught fucking thieving money from the public, not change your ways and then try to say that WE are immune to reason?
And then just to fucking rub some salt into the wounds, you drag the old fucking trout you married into this:
Note from Austin Mitchell's wife, Linda McDougall: I'm fed up of being blamed for everything that goes wrong. For the past 30 years or so we had a Russell Hobbs "Forgettle". It lasted so long it was a family legend. When it finally gave up the ghost I decided to replace it with another Russell Hobbs.
I chose the model at £75.99 because it looked attractive and durable and I thought it would probably "see me out". A proper consideration for the bus pass generation. Since Austin hardly ever uses it he should shut up.
Linda, you old fuck: the considerations of the "bus pass generation" are entirely fucking irrelevant and it's not the job of the taxpayer to fund your fucking kettle for the rest of you egregiously overpaid, money-grubbing fucking life. It's our job to fund the bare necessities your husband needs to do his fucking job, while he's doing his fucking job.
What happens to you after that is between your fat fucking thieving husband and the cuntishly gold-plated pension he will be stealing from us after he fucks off.
As far as I'm concerned, the thieving pair of you can't fucking die soon enough. I just hope it's painful.