Monday, 15 March 2010

Obo's election manifesto: Anti-social behaviour

Two of the most egregious forms of anti-social behaviour are related: uncollected dog shit and litter.

In order to prove that libertarians do care about "common goods", I've decided to outline my policies on this. Anyone caught not cleaning up after their fucking dogs will suffer the following punishment for their crimes:

First offence: nose of the owner rubbed in the dog shit.
Second offence: owner forced to eat the shit while being sodomised by a Great Dane.
Third offence: owner peeled and rolled in a 50/50 mix of salt and fresh dog shit.
Fourth offence: double tap - no more Mr Nice Guy.

Similarly, anyone caught littering will suffer the following punishment:

First offence: clean up an entire block of the neighbourhood with your bare hands. You will provide your own plastic bags and carry all the waste to the local dump yourself.
Second offence: as above, but naked and the streets lined with jeering school kids.
Third offence: peeled and rolled in a 50/50 mix of salt and broken glass.
Fourth offence: double tap - no more Mr Nice Guy.

I feel that these firm but measured responses to people simply not respecting those around them will work wonders in improving community spirit.

22 comments:

Ross said...

I consider my dog's shit to be "street art", so I'm afraid I'm not going to pick it up.

thefrollickingmole said...

Where will all the little barkers come from if you clean up all the barkers nests?

No electrodes or testicles mentioned? Now Im all for reform but it seems a bit wish washy without those 2 insruments being used together.

Furor Teutonicus said...

You appear to be getting there, but I would add that their whole FAMILY should be held equaly as guilty, and punished accordingly.

Evereything down to second cousins should be forced to bear the punishment.

Because we're young said...

500 postal votes in my name on their way mate

Furor Teutonicus said...

AND, if they are old enough to walk, they are old enough to be held guilty.

MTG said...

You search for a fitting punishment for dog dirt devotees, Obno. These are citizens - and I use the term generously - who brush their teeth daily with their pets' faeces. What we see on our shoes is only their attempt to share this love with the rest of us.

Skip straight to 'no more Mr Nice Guy, please'.

Fidothedog said...

Obo you miss the very obvious point that German tourists will flock to this land just to be caught with a dog taking a dump.

They enjoy that sort of shit porn.

Besides it would wear the great dane out in a week.

thelunaticarms said...

Do people waste dogshit? So many worthy recipients of such a gift in the Houses of Swine, let alone your circle of 'friends'.

Bird shit is my biggest gripe, just thankful dogs can't fly.

And I'm all for littering, anything to brighten up the 1960s architecture.

King Cnut said...

Now, about this buggering malarky...

To whom do I apply?

Furor Teutonicus said...

Fidothedog said...

Obo you miss the very obvious point that German tourists will flock to this land just to be caught with a dog taking a dump.


I can assure you. NO one from here needs to go to Britain as a tourist to be done for letting their dog crap.

We also get the dog owning imbiciles hanging their trophys in the tree as well.

Damn idiots, every one of them.

In a city where the average flat size is 80 meters² thwere is NO bloody excuse for having anything bigger than a bleeding hamster.

Vladimir said...

Do I detect a hint of anti-dog prejudice amongst these comments? Anti-doggism! Caninism! Doggophobia! I'll report you all to the Commission for Species Equality!

And everyone knows that socialism is to blame for litter and dog shit.

Furor Teutonicus said...

And everyone knows that socialism is to blame for litter and dog shit.

And lo, the earths surface was covered in litter and dog shit.

The finger of god moved over the world, and pointed at a particularly large pile,

and BEHOLD Socialists were created.

And god saw they were shite, but the sneaky littl buggers were hard to hit no matter HOW many lightning bolts of reason, serious informed discussion, and facts you fired at them.

microdave said...

"First offence: clean up an entire block of the neighbourhood with your bare hands."

But if you make them do that you will have the council up in arms:

http://www.thurrockgazette.co.uk/news/5021757.Clean_up_ticked_off_for_collecting_too_much_/

Smoothhound said...

You can't teach adults to not drop litter,only toddlers.We're thirty years too late to do anything about this.

Chief_Sceptic said...

Smoothhound said...
" You can't teach adults to not drop litter,only toddlers. We're thirty years too late to do anything about this. "

Which is why I personally favour going directly to Stage 4 ! - here in Norway, litter is minimal and dogshit in public areas is almost completely absent ...

It's ATTITUDE that makes the diference ...

Billy The Fish said...

You're mellowing in your old age, Clown...

Anonymous said...

'Anyone caught not cleaning up after their fucking dogs will suffer the following punishment(s)....'

i think that's a very good idea.

sound money man said...

I like the second offence punishments best.

dr cromarty said...

Well you bleeding-heart, woolly, hand-wringing, hug-a-hoody, soft-soap cunt.

Furor Teutonicus said...

Make stage 4 stage 5 and stage 4 "playing with their eyeballs, with an oxyceteline cutting torch.

Stitch's Master said...

There's an obvious flaw in you punishment plans, the same fucking flaw in the existing ones. "anyone caught" - that'll be none then!.

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