UK government declares war on the old foe!

That's right, motorists, we're coming for you:

Drivers will have to declare every 10 years whether they are medically able to get behind the wheel, according to proposals to be set out early in the new year.

For the first time, the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) will issue a series of minimum physical and mental requirements motorists must fulfil including eyesight performance and reaction times.

Tests, costing up to £80, will be offered to drivers to check whether they are fit to drive.

Anyone who chooses not to take the tests but declares themselves able to take to the roads will be committing a criminal offence if they fail to meet the established standards.

At first, anyway. After several well-publicised incidents of people getting their self-assessment wrong, a taxpayer-leeching quango will use government funds to pressure the government into making us all take the tests every 10 years turning it into a nice little earner.

(Tip of the hat to John Pickworth in the comments here for that one.)

But not content with this pointless cuntwaftery, we have this little doozy:

Speed-limiting devices should be fitted to cars on a voluntary basis to help save lives and cut carbon emissions, according to a new report.

Do you know what? I'm going to get one of these fucking things and drive everywhere in second gear. That will fuck their carbon emission shit right in the fucking eye. Interesting that cutting carbon emissions is right up there with saving lives, eh?

BBC, please go fuck yourself.

The government's transport advisers claim the technology would cut road accidents with injuries by 29%.

29%? Why not 28%? or 30%? Is this "29%" perhaps just a number that you pulled out of your arse that sounds like it's been calculated because 30% would be too convenient? Where is the proof that this will happen?

The device automatically slows a car down to within the limit for the road on which it is being driven.

But charity Safe Speed says the devices are dangerous because they encourage drivers to enter a "zombie mode".

I think it's fair to say that the average British driver is heading for a vegetative state already.

Ministers are planning to help councils draw up digital maps with details of the legal speed on every road.

The speed-limiting devices will then use satellite positioning to check a vehicle's location and when its speed exceeds the limit, power will be reduced and the brakes applied if necessary.

Yeah, like when you're overtaking someone just before entering a town and suddenly half-way through the overtake your car stops. Fucking cunts. Is this possibly another soundbite-driven government initiative that sounds vaguely like it's based on a bad misunderstanding of what technology can do? Just like all their fucking databases?

The Commission for Integrated Transport and the Motorists' Forum, which both advise the government, are calling on ministers to promote a wide introduction of the system.

Well, I can tell you know, mate, that if I ever get my hands on the greasy pole of power, the very first quangoes that will get their marching orders will be you two groups of mongtarded fucking cockwafts.

John Lewis, from the Motorists' Forum, told BBC Breakfast he believed the devices would help drivers obey limits and therefore keep their licences.

John, I'd like to point out that the Archhelmet of Cuntbuggery believes that there is a sky fairy who created the world. That does not fucking make it so. Can I further point out that you are a nasty, totalitarian piece of shit who thinks he knows better than anyone else what is right and what is wrong?

"But we believe that the system should be a voluntary system, that the drivers decide if they have fitted to their car or not, and that they decide if they want to over-ride the speed limit - that should be their choice," he said.

At first, anyway. After several well-publicised incidents, etc., etc.

There would also be a positive impact on emissions and fuel consumption, he added.

Not if I drive everywhere in second gear, you cock-biting fucktard.

Jon York, fleet manager for British Gas, whose vans are already limited to 70mph, told BBC Radio 5 Live the system had reduced road incidents for the company.

Prove it, baby.

But he said the introduction of technology had to be combined with safety education.

"It does aid road safety, it does reduce incidents, but it is part of a wide-ranging number of initiatives within British Gas and one of those is driver training because you have to change people's behaviour."

But Claire Armstrong, from the road safety charity Safe Speed, said that the devices could be dangerous.

She said truck drivers using speed-limiting devices had been shown to "go into fatigue mode or zombie mode" and stopped paying attention to the road.

"That makes it highly dangerous in those scenarios. So you've taken the responsibility away from the driver and that is not [good] for road safety."

Derek Charters, from the Motor Industry Research Association, believes limiting speed automatically could cause accidents.

"The last thing you need is one car to be overtaking and then pull back in, in front of the cars in front, because that braking event will then cause everybody to start to slow down, which will then compress the traffic, which then causes an incident."

Motoring journalist Quentin Wilson said he also believed taking away driver control was a "really, really bad thing".

"Remotely policing the roads from satellites in the sky - I would worry about it an awful lot."

I'm vaguely surprised that children weren't mentioned in this cockwaffle. You know, saving kids' lives and all.

I think I'm going to go out for a drive.

While I'm still allowed to.