Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Clearly ...

... I've led a VERY sheltered life.

14 comments:

Fidothedog said...

Some absolute classics on that. One I remember, not involving me other than as an observer but amusing none the less was this.

When I worked in a nite-club part of the job was rounding up an herding the drunks out the door.

Come the point of where we check the ladies, I see a locked toilet door. Do the knocking routine, shout etc. No reply.

So clamber on up to see some pissed old boiler fast asleep on the bog. She is wearing a tracksuit.

The bottoms of which are still around her ankles and, this is the best part has thrown up half a fuckin ton of puke into them.

Managed to wake her up and get someone to collect her - with clothes - an she left whilst both myself an several doormen were doubled over crying with laughter.

Sadly this was in the days before camera phones and fast interweb access.

The Filthy Engineer said...

This one got me howling:

Got properly pissed at a friends birthday party a few months ago & disgraced myself in a quite a major way:

After the party, we went back to my best man's house (where we were staying) & collapsed into bed with Mrs S. Spent a little while putting one arm on the floor etc to try & stop the room from spinning. Anyway, finally went to sleep. Next thing I know, it is about 3 in the morning & Mrs S was shouting at me for trying to take a piss in the corner of the room we were staying in, so she sent me upstairs to the loo. Managed to walk past the loo & into my best mans bedroom, where he was asleep with his wife. I then proceeded to pee all over their duvet. To make matters worse, I must have heard a splashing sound, as I then lifted up the corner of the duvet (thinking it was the loo seat, I guess) & continued to pee all over my best man's wife's feet. Needlesss to say, best man's wife was non too pleased with me (& for some strange reason, my best man). At the behest of Mrs S, I sent an apology gift a few days later - £50 worth of Febreeze Anti-bacterial. Strangely, we are still welcome at their house.

SaltedSlug said...

"Get some of this you bitch!"

We've all been there.

Catosays said...

Mate of mine got really tanked up and took a dump in the laundry basket. His Mrs was not amused!

Mind you, I've has a pee in the wardrobe and my Mrs couldn't see the funny side either.

Women are so strange!

Leg-iron said...

I once woke up with excruciating pain in my fingers, which were curled into claws and covered in dirt.

On the floor beside the bed were two cat's eyes from the middle of the road. An unlit back road in the middle of the night.

I've never managed to repeat that. Those things are well fixed in unless you're beyond pain.

David Gillies said...

I've done and witnessed some appallingly stupid things in my time but some of these really take the cake.

My best ever was when I was at a mate's house and he locked us out when we went to the pub. He clambered, drunk as fuck, onto his conservatory to try and get in the bathroom window. Of course he slipped and took a header off it. Fortunately it had been raining for days and his lawn was saturated. He belly flopped on it and made a perfect impression in the ground. When he got up he made a sucking sound and looked like Swamp Thing. I was laughing so hard I nearly blacked out (of course he could have killed himself which wouldn't have been nearly so funny). In the end he had to go next door to borrow a hammer so he could smash one of the brand new double glazed windows in the kitchen. His wife was not amused when she got home.

microdave said...

Unlike you lot I rarely drank heavily, and these days hardly ever. But I do remember once leaving a party suffering the effects of far too much cider. Despite this I managed to ride my motorcycle home without falling off, or getting nicked.

The problem came when I got home - I (wrongly) thought that a bowl of milk & Cornflakes might help to settle the contents of my stomach. 5 minutes later the whole lot was in the bathroom sink.

The worst bit was trying to poke the soggy Cornflakes down the plughole....

Oleuanna said...

Is this men only??

polaris said...

My friend (the host) fell asleep when a bunch of the girls were round for a drink and DVD, a sort of housewarming thing.

We moved a bay tree and all of her bedding plants from her front garden into her sitting room, nice arrangement if I do say so myself.

Never been back...

Obnoxio The Clown said...

@oleuanna: feel free to share. The link isn't men only, either.

Henry North London said...

I remember singing in the gutter outside the students union Swing low sweet chariot, Got carried home by the rugby lot of whom a first year was a friend of mine...

Weird night..

20 years ago...

polaris said...

Put a dead pigeon in my friends handbag, at a Christmas party (found it outside and thought it would come in handy).

Haven't talked since, there seems to be a pattern here.

Bob's Head Revisited said...

A mate of mine went on a canal barge holiday with his wife and two friends.

After a heavy night on the ales he awoke with the 'beery chods'. He was desperate for a tom tit, but someone was in there taking ages and stinking up the place. So he grabbed some kitchen roll, jumped- ship and headed off into a field to do his business.

He was touching cloth by this time and so hurried over to a tree by a fence.

He dropped his Chinos and pants, but as he crouched he began to realise that the barge was on a bend in the canal now and anyone on board would soon be able to see him. So he leaned back more behind the tree and grabbed the fence for support.

It was an electric fence.

His arse exploded and he totally lost control of his sphincter. As he spasmed the shit sprayed everywhere: all down his legs, and all over his cream Chinos and pants.

He eventually managed to prize his hand off. It was a disaster.

He decided to lose the trousers and pants and creep back to the ship and hope for the best.

As he took off his pants he lost his balance and fell on the fence. By this time he was covered in shit and naked from the waist down.

On arrival back at the barge he was greeted by his wife and friends who had heard his screams.

Anonymous said...

One evening I drank three pints of mild in the local; sneaked home @ 22.29hrs and the wife never found out.