The voters have spoken

Wow! A non-trivial 400 votes on this one. There was significant support for Harridan "I hate men" Hormone(10%) and 16% each for Tiny "Pretty Straight Kinda Guy" Blur and Michael "The haggis-masturbater" Martin, but the clear winner with 35% is the nutter with the stutter, the manic mincing madman, the Prime Mentalist, Gordon "Feartie O' Fife" Brown.

Tough choice, wasn't it?

The results are in

I had a poll up to ask what services should only the government provide.

Some of the popular choices were fairly uncontroversial: defence, police, courts, embassies, border control (although a libertarian society would be much more relaxed about borders than we are) and prisons.

Oddly enough, external spying was seen as a popular choice and I suppose that you might make a case for it on the grounds of defence. However, if you can make a case for external spying, then I can't really see why you would believe that there is less of a case for internal spying.

The coastguard is another popular choice, although in its current form it's as much use as tits on a bull.

Regulators were an unpopular choice, possibly because they are so fucking useless in their current incarnation, but also because libertarians believe in an unregulated market. However, even in an unregulated market, you need to have some form of protection against predation or fraud. And that protection must have real bite.

I was baffled as to why more people felt that motorways should be provided by the government than local roads: motorways are relatively easy to toll (just ask the French!) but local roads are much more difficult to make "pay per use" - local roads are something I believe would be more efficiently "provided" by government, even if they sub-contract out the actual work.

Perhaps I should have phrased my question differently or more clearly.

Three to one in favour of punchy

I'm fucking impressed that B&D managed to vote as many times as they did though!

The Voters have Spoken

172 people voted. 117 people (68.02%) think we really are fucked beyond human comprehension, 29 people (16.86%) think we are completely fucked, 12 people (6.98%) think we are a lot fucked, 1 person (0.58%) thinks we're a little fucked. 13 people (7.68%) are going to vote Labour again.

You can lead a horse to water, it seems ...

Chris Bryant gives you the horn!

I am a bit surprised, but Chris Bryant has walked (minced?) this one with 22% of the vote, followed closely by Nadine Dorries (19%) and Theresa May (17%). The stragglers were Katy Clark (11%), Diane Abbott (9%), Oiky Osborne (8%), Hague (5%), Ed Bollocks (3%), and Roberta Blackman-Woods and Hillary Benn on 1% each.

I'm off for a three-way with Nadine and Theresa. Bareback!

If you've voted for Chris Bryant ...

... I'd just like to point out that he is gay. Either I have a lot of pooves hang out here, or there are a lot of misguided women.

(And if it's misguided women, I'd like to point out that I wear the same kind of skiddies, if that helps!)

There's nowt so queer as folk!

So, survey results are in. I'm seriously impressed. Thinking of Anne Widdicombe in mid stroke would probably wilt me completely, so hats off to the 20% of you who chose her as a mild passion-killer.

Only 10% felt that Tessa's Jowls would do the job, which was my choice.

Unlike the 10% of you who thought "Tits" would put you off your stroke, I could imagine having a lot of fun with her, a ball gag and some Rohypnol; I disagree in a similar vein with the majority of people (24%) who felt Harmperson would do the trick -- nothing that a ball gag and Rohypnol wouldn't fix. And the videos would be something to treasure forever.

19% of you felt that the Chipmunk was a passionkiller, personally, I think she is probably a lot of fun in bed. I've no idea why I think this.

Moving over to the gay blokes: Gorgon wins this erection, followed by Meltyface, Fatso and Mike the Impaler.

A thought for people voting in my poll

Let's inspect some of the basic maneuvers of drunken driving while you've got crazy girls who are on drugs with you. Look for these signs when picking up crazy girls: pierced ears with five or six earrings in them, unusual shoes, white lipstick, extreme thinness, hair that's less than an inch long, or clothing made of chrome and leather. Stay away from girls who cry a lot or who look like they get pregnant easily or have careers. They may want to do weird stuff in cars, but only in the backseat, and it's really hard to steer from back there. Besides, they'll want to get engaged right away afterwards. But the other kind of girls – there's no telling what they'll do. I used to know this girl who weighed about eighty pounds and dressed in skirts that didn't even cover her underwear, when she wore any. I had this beat-up old Mercedes, and we were off someplace about fifty miles from nowhere on Christmas Eve in a horrible sleetstorm. The road was really a mess, all curves and big ditches, and I was blotto, and the car kept slipping off the pavement and sliding sideways. And just when I'd hit a big patch of glare ice and was frantically spinning the wheel trying to stay out of the oncoming traffic, she said, "I shaved my crotch today – wanna feel?"

That's really true. And then about half an hour later the head gasket blew up, and we had to spend I don't know how long in this dirtball motel although the girl walked all the way to the liquor store through about a mile of slush and got all kinds of wine and did weird stuff with the bottlenecks later. So it was sort of okay, except that the garage where I left the Mercedes burned down and I used the insurance money to buy a motorcycle.

Now, girls who like motorcycles really will do anything. I mean, really, anything you can think of.

-- P. J. O'Rourke: How to DRIVE FAST on DRUGS while getting your WING-WANG SQUEEZED and not SPILL YOUR DRINK

I'd just like to point out:

It wosn't The Sun wot wun it!

According to the poll, the Daily Spurt is the design house the Labour Party most seeks to emulate!

The Voters Have Spoken, Part 9

50 people voted on when Gorgon Brownshirt would go (quite a low turnout for such a delightful subject, I thought!) :
34% (17 people) fancy a conference bloodbath, 10% (5 people) fancy a Christmas present, 24% (12 people) reckon 2010 and the remaining 32% (16 people) reckon the Gorgon will never go.

Intriguingly, even though there is the slimmest of majorities for a conference bloodbath, overall people reckon he's going to be our leader till at least 2010 and possibly beyond.

God help us!

The Voters Have Spoken, Part 8

45 people voted. One-third of them feel like proper cunts now. The rest of us are relieved.

The Voters Have Spoken, Part 7

33 people voted, and 51.5% (17 people) said yes, 48.5% (16 people) said no. Since it was a) very close and b) a very low poll, I guess most people really don't care.

I'll keep using the automated submission, but I'm not going to stick the voting buttons on the articles, which is, quite frankly, a pain in the bum.

The voters have spoken, part 6

83 people voted on man-made climate change, 86.7% (72 people) think it's a load of crap, 2.4% (2 people) truly believe and 10.9% (9 people) don't care because they have bigger worries on their plate.

Good. Remember this when it comes to voting for the Green party, Green Labour, the equally Green Lib-Dems and the new Green Tories.

The Voters Have Spoken, Part 5

Exactly 100 people voted. 2 windup merchants said that the New Labour Project was a great success, a further 1 said that they were OK on balance. More rational people rated them as awful (5), fucking awful (14), worst government the UK has ever seen (18), worst government anywhere in the universe since the Big Bang (3), even worse than that (57 -- overwhelming majority here!)

I was surprised that no one rated them as the worst government in the history of civilisation.

On balance, I'd say the government isn't very popular, though.

The Voters Have Spoken, Part 4

81 people voted in the review of the Gorgon's economic miracle.

4.9% of you are clinically insane, actually attributing to the Gorgon. 16% of you are in denial, you know what the truth is, but can't bring yourselves to say it. And 79.1% realise that the Gorgon's much-vaunted reputation was actually built on the legacy of under-rated heroes like Nigel Lawson.

"Prudence", you're a whore.

The Voters Have Spoken, Part 3

90 people voted in the review of smug authoritarians.

Steve "The Dick" Richards came last, which is hardly surprising, given what a useless Labour brown-noser he is. A frankly pathetic 4.4% of the vote, which is what Labour is heading for next time round ... so Steve is toeing the party line as usual.

George Moonbat got 38.9% of the vote, which is a bit surprising, given how holier-than-thou he is and how his well-documented hypocrisy shines through.

But Polly did the business, which is hardly a surprise, with a convincing 56.7% of the vote.

Hold your head high in your Tuscan villa, Polly: you have been rated a self-righteous, hypocritical, authoritarian shit of the highest order! Congratulations!

The Voters Have Spoken, Part 2

The poll has closed and I'm afraid there are a lot of liars who read my blog.

I asked how you vote in a general election. 29 people voted:

• 2 (honest people) said that if you stuck the right colour rosette on a turd, they'd vote for it
• 7 said they'd vote tactically to damage the cunts they didn't like -- I'm calling at least 6 of you liars
• 8 said they analysed all the relevant data and voted accordingly -- I'm calling at least 7 of you liars
• 7 (honest people) said they'd analyse all the relevant data and still vote for their "tribe"
• 5 said they wouldn't bother -- I'm calling at least 3 of you liars

Shame on you!

(Still, at least I know my audience now...)

Mrs Dale wants to know...

Iain Dale is running his annual political blog poll, which will feature in his forthcoming 2008-9 Guide to Political Blogging in the UK.

He wants votes for the top ten political blogs and you can vote by emailing your Top Ten (ranked from 1 to 10) to toptenblogs@totalpolitics.com. Votes need to be in by 15 August 2008.

There will be a Grand Prize Draw with a lucky random winner to receive £100 of political books.

The Voters have Spoken, Part 1

28 people voted:
Gorgon Brownshirt committing electoral suicide: 12
Gorgon Brownshirt committing suicide by electorate: 12
Gorgon Brownshirt committing to higher levels of tractor production: 11

According to the Zimbabwean election monitors, this was a free and fair election, although there was some concern about postal votes in the Midlands. Thanks to the Scottish vote, ZNL have held on to power.