Yeah, yeah, meh, meh, facepalm

I read the Tories' tax pledges. Half-assed but generally a step in the right direction.

Right up until the end:

Tax simplification. Conservatives will create an Office of Tax Simplification. It will become an independent and permanent voice on tax law, operating in a similar way to the National Audit Office, which will create a sustained and powerful institutional pressure for the simplification of the tax system.

Yes! The bonfire of the quangos rules!

Way to fucking go, Dave. You fucking simpering moron. We look to the Tories to reduce the size of government. You don't need a fucking quango to "create a sustained and powerful institutional pressure for the simplification of the tax system." Fuck, I'll do it for you now. For free.

Look:

1. No tax is payable on the first £12,500 of individual earnings (including Citizens Income).
2. Individual tax is 20% above £12,500. No deductions, no expenses, no shit.
   
3. Corporation tax is 1% of income earned in the UK, no exemptions, no allowances, no deductible expenses, no fucking incentives, no shit.
4. National Insurance is 5% on employers, 5% on employees, also above £12,500.*
5. There are no personal tax credits. There is no dole. There is no income support.
6. Every UK citizen above 16 gets an income of £50 a week. Pensioners get an extra £50 a week per "family" i.e., single pensioners get a total of £100 a week, married pensioners get a total of £150 a week (until they've been rolled off the ponzi scheme, anyway - the state pension scheme will be closed to new entrants.)
   
7. The first child in a family gets the family an allowance of £50 a week until their 16th birthday, when the kid get the money. Subsequent children get fuck all until they are 16.

See, iDave, it fits on a fucking page. Small words. Anyone can understand it.

And if that means we can't afford diversity outreach co-ordinators and massive state advertising campaigns, well, that's tough.

Update: Someone's finally had a proper good idea in CCHQ.

*NI would go down as the ponzi commitment goes down. People who live through the transition are a bit screwed, but frankly, we're so fucking screwed anyway, who's going to notice it? Happy to hear any suggestions for compensation for these unlucky folks. Perhaps an equivalent government contribution to their private pension plans made out of reserves.

If there are any.

Sound

I rarely agree with the Eventard, but he's spot on here:

But, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it’s going to happen. Mandelson & Co have just been kicking the ball around within the centre circle in this pre-election period. There is no need for the “underdog” to peak early. Why should Labour make the running while the Tories keep exposing themselves with their muddled thinking?

Soon the phoney war will end and the deadly game of winning the election will begin. What the campaign will need is a game-changing moment that will inspire and engage the voters. The party that can provide this will win the election, no matter what the polls say at the present time.

The utterly useless, vacuous Tories haven't got a fucking story to tell that anyone wants to hear. I can't believe that they haven't worked out that the cuntry is fucking sick of Labour, of nannying, of taxes, of bansturbation ...

They could totally their chances everything by returning to small-state conservatism, but iDave has made it quite clear that he doesn't believe in that. This is all going to come down to a decision between two sets of appalling, amoral, unprincipled, mendacious cunts.

Fuck 'em. I really, really want them both to lose.

Message to iDave

Even the Tory faithful are beginning to say that you're a useless fucking cunt. Never mind the rest of us.

Too late for DING?

Yesterday's news that DING's poll "lead" was down to 2% will be a complete disaster for CCHQ. For one thing, the polls have been narrowing for some time, this is not a rogue poll. For another, because of Labour's rejigging of constituencies, a lead this small means that Labour will actually win.

Those of us who have been consistently critical of DING's "Blue Labour / Red Tory" tax-and-spendism will be reluctantly enjoying a moment of schadenfreude. Unfortunately, it's too late for him to change tactics now, it would merely confirm to everyone that he is the unprincipled huckster so many already see him as.

Cameron has been so focused on "detoxifying the Tory brand" that he has rendered his party useless: flighty, built on shifting sands, chasing after every focus group frivolity ...

Afraid of frightening the horses, the Tories have no useful economic policies. And right now, people are shitting themselves about the economy. Because DING has let Labour "set the economic narrative", he can't announce plans to do what needs to be done, because it will look like the enormous U-turn that it is.

Rather than starting out from a position of principle, he started out from one of expediency which means that it's extremely unlikely that he'll be able to do anything at all in the coming parliament -- he'll be leader of the opposition again. Although hopefully not for long. Even though the Tories are more open to regicide than Labour, unfortunately, I don't think they can get shot of the useless bugger in time for the election, and frankly, it would be worse for them if they did.

Gordon will be insufferably cock-a-hoop at having finally won an honest election (or as honest as one gets in this Godforsaken shithole) and will use whatever mandate he gets to drive this country firmly into the arms of the IMF. The economy will implode because the boil we should have lanced in 2007 has been fed with more and more borrowing. There will be no escaping the explosion of rancid, putrid pus.

With a bit of luck, the Tories will implode after a fourth successive election defeat. Furious at not getting their chance to manipulate the levers of power, their MPs will get shot of Cameron and descend into a mess of internecine warfare for the future of the party. Schisms, splits, and new parties a plenty.

This generation of voters will finally see the consequences of Labour's fantasy economics and consign them to four consecutive terms of electoral defeat at which point they will also implode.

With a bit of luck, Parliament will become not a see-saw, but an endless roundabout of squabbling, petty non-achievers. Completely powerless to follow any agenda, with MPs much more beholden to the electorate, the House will simply become an irrelevance until principled politics makes a return.

And maybe, just maybe, when people have five years of proof that no meaningful government doesn't entail the end of the world, people will finally understand the libertarianism will return their dignity and their self-respect and make a genuine community, unlike any of the nonsensical "communitarian" political models.

Perhaps DING's utter, utter uselessness may eventually have a good outcome. In my dreams.

Quote of the day

A dump in a carrier bag should be able to oust Gordon Brown.
-- the nameless libertarian, discussing DING.

Quote of the day

Cameron said it all apart from "Go back to your constituencies and prepare for opposition."

-- "EC" in the comments here.

On voting, again ...

OK, so a whole bunch of people feel like I'm some sort of nutter because I'm saying "vote Labour."

And to befair, I feel like a fucking nutter for saying it. But watch this, and then tell me that this lump of rancid cock cheese deserves your vote:



Seriously. I fucking double triple dare you.

So, anyway: if you can't bring yourself to vote for Labour, I can't say I blame you. I'm not sure I won't bottle it myself. But who can you vote for, rather than vote against?

I don't want to vote for any of the parties that actually have a chance of winning. I don't know who will be standing, but I'm pretty sure LPUK aren't standing here. So I've only got parties to vote against.

And frankly, I live in one of those places where they'll vote in a thieving, arrogant, complacent fuckpiece if he's wearing a blue rosette. I know they did last time. So I want to stick to him personally as much as anything.

Nah, fuck it. It's Labour for me this time.

Aha!

Aha!

Ahahahahahahaha!!!

DAVID Cameron is heading for defeat at the general election after a devastating poll showed his lead slashed to just TWO POINTS.

The Tories were in meltdown early today as word of the latest survey swept the party's last major rally before polling day.

It raises the unexpected prospect of Gordon Brown being returned to power for another five years.

DING: if you want to treat the electorate like an inconvenience interfering with your entitlement to office, if you refuse to offer an alternative to the one-eyed mong and if you keep spouting Blairite cock-spittle at us - this is what's gonna happen.

Twat.

Cuntservatives: please just go fuck yourselves

So, after my post saying I was going to vote Labour, I obviously had all the Tories rushing round saying that I'd be mad to do so. I should sign up with the Cuntservatives and change them from within. This is what Hannan and Carswell are doing, and it's the way to go.

Well, to all those that tried that tactic, may I say a heart-felt: "Fuck you. Fuck you very much."

Because Hannan and Carswell are regarded as utter fucking lunatics by the Tory leadership, who prefer to have policies like this instead:

Andrew Lansley, the Shadow Health Secretary, has launched the Conservative Party’s new green paper on public health - A Healthier Nation.

The Green Paper outlines how we will tackle Britain’s public health crisis by completely overhauling Labour’s failing system of dealing with public health.

Okaaaaayyyy ...

Much greater responsibility for tackling problems like obesity, drug use and teenage pregnancy will be devolved to communities on a new payment-by results basis, with extra rewards for improving the public health of the poorest. In spending their dedicated public health budgets, communities will be obliged to partner with local bodies, like schools, businesses, councils and GPs.

I'm sorry, Mr Lansley, but just chucking the word "devolved" in there doesn't fucking mean shit, you mendacious cunt. And what's with this "partnering" cockwaffle? Obliged? So if my local trust doesn't want to "partner", fuck them anyway? How is that "devolution", you lying fuck?

There will be a new focus on innovative strategies, with national campaigns harnessing the latest behaviour change research and delivered by providers who are paid by results. We will provide prizes for ‘open source’ suggestions for successful new public health strategies.

No. No. No. Just fucking NO!

National fucking campaigns are what we fucking have right now with Labour. How the cunting fuck can you be claiming to promote localism with national campaigns, devolution with orders from central government and radicalism when your spurting out the same old tired shit policies that we've seen from Labour for the last fucking decade?

A Conservative Government will work with business to draw up new ‘responsibility deals’ designed to prevent irresponsible activities and extend restrictions on unsuitable marketing to children throughout the media. We will introduce a clearer system of alcohol labelling which allows people to compare the amount they drink with other people, mandate the display of ‘guideline daily amounts’ on food packaging, and encourage restaurants and bars to publish more dietary information for their customers.

Aahhhh ... that will be the new focus on libertarianism from the Cuntservatives: nudging combined with hectoring, nannying and fucking outright bullying, which is completely fucking different from what Labour have been doing for the last 13 years, oh yes.

We will introduce a focus on public health throughout government, led by the Secretary of State for Public Health, with a series of measures including extra Sure Start health visitors, a school sports Olympics, better maternity care, and tough measures – including a tax on super-strength drinks – to curb binge-drinking.

This has me rocking back and forth in the corner of my office, keening. More "tough measures". More fucking telling people how to live their lives. More officious government diktats.

The Cuntservative Party already has libertarian-inclined MPs, MPs who have laid out their suggestions in a clear, easy-to-follow book. These MPs already have media presence, a fan base and a lot of attention. And DING and his merry dingbats are heading in the exact opposite direction.

So, for those of you who have tried to convince me that the thing to do is join the Tories and fix things from within and in the nicest possible way: fuck off. You're the mirror image of tribal Labour voters for whom the party can do no wrong.

You guys are the exact same type of people who have allowed Labour to arserape the country into a fucking zombie movie: my party above all, including fucking sanity.

How the fuck can you cunts dare to tell me that I should vote for this bunch of bullying statists because voting for the other bunch of bullying statists is some fucking terrible crime?

David Cameron is just as unprincipled and dangerous as Tony Blair. And he can fuck right off.

Update: The UK Libertarian looks at all six bullshit themes.

David Cameron Poster

Hah!

Is DING mentally handicapped?

I always thought politicians were supposed to be possessed of a certain amount of the smarts. Mendacious, venal cunts, but ostensibly witty and sharp and certainly possessed of a certain low cunning, if nothing else.

But lately, I'm really starting to wonder about DING.

I mean, I'm wondering to the point that I've pretty much decided to vote Labour, something that has honestly never occurred to me before. But really, what can you really make of someone who is faced with an enormous open goal the size of Colostomy Brown's rage and then doesn't even attempt a shot at goal.

Apparently, there's a certain amount of cuntsternation in Tory circles because the poll lead has slumped to 6% (and fucking rightly so - they should have a fucking 60% lead, not a 6% lead!)

I don't really see why anyone should be surprised: we've had more than a decade of big-government tax and fucking spend, hectoring little Hitlers sticking their noses into every aspect of our micromanaged lives, quangos up the wazoo, blatant corruption and thievery and we're fucking sick of it. This is not hard to understand.

So what does the useless buttered new potato do? He promises us even more of the same fucking shit, but promises it will be different because he's in charge. Dave, don't be a fucking cunt all your life. We are beyond the Blair era. We don't want another smooth, charming, unprincipled, snake oil salesman running the show. If you're too dumb to work out from the polls what the problem is, maybe you should step aside and let someone else have a fucking go.

But shit like this just screams that you haven't got a clue, you haven't got a grip and you are just another fucking makeweight cock-weasel out to screw the country for your own gain:

The Tories have signed a contract with their firm - Squier, Knapp, Dunn Communications, which is a leading Washington-based Democrat-leaning political consultancy - specifically for help with TV debates. But the firm is also expected to offer advice more broadly to the Tory leader on the direction of the Conservative campaign.

Great fucking idea, you cretinous fuckmong: the British people are crying out for vapid promises of Hope and Change.

Don't make me do it, Dave. Don't make me put my cross in the Labour box. Give me something to fucking hope for.

God help me

I have decided, I believe, who I am going to vote for in the coming elections. And it truly is something I'm going to do with gritted teeth and no small amount of personal anguish.

I'm going to vote for the Labour Party.

Not only am I going to vote for the Labour Party, but I urge you to vote for the Labour Party too.*

Now, you may well believe that I've either lost my senses or I've been kidnapped by Peter Mandelson who is currently writing this for me.

But neither of these is true.

I have come to the conclusion that there is little point in voting for a fringe party, because British people are still far too tribal to elect loads of little parties into parliament (although that would be great, too!)

The reality of this is that either the Tories or Labour are going to wind up running the show and contrary to what you might expect, I'd like it to be Labour that wins. Well, not really, what I'd like is for them to be burned at the stake, their ashes pulverized and then scattered to the four winds. But think about this: no matter who wins the election, we're going to be crucified for the next decade at least. The state is going to have to be decimated, spending programs will have to be slashed and the economy is going to be crushed under taxes and shit growth.

When the Major government won the '92 election, Major said that the only thing that would keep Britain afloat was the ERM. When we were unceremoniously ejected, his credibility and that of the Tory Party was bludgeoned into nothingness, something that took more than a decade for the Tories to even think about getting back.

Imagine what havoc would be wreaked upon Labour's credibility if they had to be the party of cuts, the party that actually inherited the consequences of their economic mismanagement? It would take a generation for them to recover. The faction fighting and internecine struggles would prevent them from doing any actual governing as well.

But even better, imagine what the consequences would be for the Tories if they were rejected at the polls again. The buttered new potato would certainly get the hoof, and the centrist, vapid, statist, social democratic wing of the Tory party would be rightly silenced. Iain Duncan Smith and his fucking one nation social justice would finally be consigned to the dustbin of history and who knows, the Tories might actually implode altogether.

And from the ruins of this morass of big government, quango-loving goat-felchers may well arise a different political system, one which recognises that British people have to potential to be something other than vacuous sheep. A political system that has learned the lesson that you cannot have everybody living at the expense of someone else. A political system that has learned that government is the problem, not the solution.

So once again, I ask you to vote Labour, but failing that: anyone but Dave.

*Unless there's an LPUK candidate in your area. Obviously.

More frivolous hilarity

So, after all the Brown bullygate bollocks, what has happened to the polls?

The pre-temper tantrum poll:

CON 37%(-2), LAB 30%(nc), LDEM 20%(nc)

Now we come to the second poll, which has caused Mike Smithson, and one or two others, much heartache overnight. The original published figures were wrong or was a deliberate leak.

Anyway, here is the first post-temper tantrum daily tracker poll, with the correct figures:

CON 39%(nc), LAB 33%(nc), LDEM 17%(nc)

The figures speak for themselves. Rawnsley’s allegations are having no effect.

I wonder why that would be? Possibly because the electorate can't tell Labour's policies from Tory policies? And because there's no real point in getting shot of one bunch of useless fuckpieces to replace them with another bunch of useless fuckpieces?

Britain is broken in many different ways

So after the bullygate polling, I was curious:

A YouGov poll carried out for the Sun after the Rawnsley revelations and has the Tories up two to 41 with Labour dropping four to 29. This poll has, obviously, been taken at the worst time for Labour but, at first blush, it does suggest that the bullying allegations have cut through.

Is it just me who finds this incredibly depressing? Are the British so fickle that some sleaze will take the shine off the Prime Mentalist and then after a week or two, the sleaze will be forgotten and Gorgon's share price will start going up again? I mean, the fucker has ruined the country, fucked it sixteen ways from Sunday, and people are losing a bit of faith in him because he chucks Nokias around? For a couple of days, anyway.

It's true. We really do deserve the government we get.

Update: It seems that someone got their facts wrong. Cunts.

Aha! Aha!

Ahahahahahahahahahaha...

The new Guardian ICM poll has the Tory lead down to seven points and the party on 37 percent.

You really do have to wonder what the Gorgon is going to have to do to give the Tories a proper lead.

Because the DING-bat is far too fucking useless to get one by himself.

Damn your eyes, Peter Hitchens

Once again, he is spot on:

Then there's the other thing. These revelations, if they have any political effect at all, will damage Labour and help the Tories. Yet the journalist involved, Andrew Rawnsley, is famously sympathetic to New Labour. If you wanted confirmation of my contention - that David Cameron's Tories are the reincarnation of Blairism - you couldn't ask for a clearer one.

Peering through the Tory veil

So, the public has spoken and they don't fancy Dave all that much after all. His poll lead has slipped to 6% as people look at what he's offering and are starting to decide that if they're going to get the same old shit, they may as well get it from the old colostomy bag.

If you look at the Tory party, you see a curious dichotomy: their policies preach "localism" and "choice" and devolved power, but the leadership of the Tory party is the ne plus ultra of highly centralised control. DING is going to be another Blair, with his "sofa cabinet" meetings where a tiny coterie of loyalists will make all the decisions and the rest of his party will just be lobby fodder. It will be the same as what Gordon offers, possibly with less violence and insanity, but DING isn't offering any kind of alternative.

So why would you vote for him?

Quote of the day

From samizdata:

It goes like this: specialist skeptic blogs, unspecialist but skeptic blogs, the Conservative Party's usual supporters, public, non-lefty old media, more public, lefty old media, more public, and finally, last of all, David Cameron. This undignified process is presumably what David Cameron thinks of as leadership.

Is that an EU referendum in your pocket?

Via the Anglo-Saxon.

Captain Cameron, there's an iceberg dead ahead!

I say, old boy, best you go line up the deckchairs so they don't hurt anybody when the Titanic hits it, eh?

The Chairman of the BBC will be the first casualty in a shake-up of the corporation if the Tories win the general election, The Times has learnt.

An incoming Conservative government would scrap the BBC Trust, which is led by Sir Michael Lyons, and create a new body answerable to licence fee payers.

But David Cameron faces an early battle, with sources close to the trust making plain last night that the ruling body would fight the changes.

Senior Tory sources told The Times that, if elected, the party would act swiftly to transform the BBC Trust into the “licence fee payers’ trust”, and create a new post of non-executive chairman to work alongside Mark Thompson, the Director-General.

The party believes that the changes, which can be carried out within the boundaries of the BBC’s Royal Charter, would give Mr Thompson a “cheerleading chairman” and allow the revamped trust to play more effectively its key role of representing the interests of those who pay £142.50 a year for the BBC’s services.

Jesus CHRIST Cameron! Is there no fucking problem where you will entirely fail to grasp the nettle and properly fix things? Are you going to tinker like a bored teenager with every problem so that absolutely nothing actually gets better? You really are a clueless FUCK with no fucking idea of what's actually wrong and how difficult it's going to be to fix, aren't you?

Stop fucking pissing around like a schoolgirl pantywaist. Be a man, grow a set and tell the BBC to FUCKING GET IT'S OWN MONEY AND FUCK OFF AND DIE.

You useless, spineless, gormless CUNT!