Informix Roundup: 31 Mar 2009

WARNING: Non-geeks may want to run away now.

C-ISAM not quite as svelte as it used to be?

Embedding IDS RedBook.

IBM opens a new lab, interesting end to the article: "With 330,000 employees in 170 countries, Big Blue is headquartered in Armonk, New York and includes Informix, Rational Software and Tivoli Systems Inc. as some of its subsidiaries."

DBA job in Bangalore. (Tim!)

Another blogger talking about the Informix Warehouse.

DBA job in Houston.

It is to laugh ... or cry!

Another take on IBM buying Sun and databases.

IIUG conference is coming.

IDS bootcamp in the UK.

Fernando goes green.

Eric goes down memory lane.

Getting from PHP4 to Zend Core 2.5 with Informix.

Kerry McCarthy MP: spectacularly missing the point, again

On Twitter, I asked why the Gorgon, who has a rather des res less than 300 yards from fucking Parliament, needed to spend £17,000 of taxpayer money on a fucking second home.

Kerry replied: "Why do multi-millionaire Tories need a mortgage at all?"

Kerry, you fucking brain-dead mong, I hate you all, rich Tories, greedy Labourites or even greedier LibDems. But the Prime Mentalist has one of the most desirable fucking addresses in London and FUCKING CLEARLY LIVES THERE!!!!

Why the fuck is he nailing the taxpayer for an additional home?

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 19

It's really not a bad idea

If elected, I hereby swear that I will take this advice seriously:

Justice Hugo L. Black once told me that he thought all government departments and agencies should be abolished every five or ten years. Black was a senator from Alabama for ten years and a Supreme Court justice for thirty-four, and he knew just about everything there was to know about how government works. His startling idea—and I think he was serious—was his way of dealing with the encrustations of bureaucracy.
-- Anthony Lewis.

Done deal. If elected, I promise that I will abolish every government department on the spot and do it again before each election.

Update: I also pledge to introduce a sunset clause for each new law proposed. Tip of the clown wig to Mark W in the comments.

Send your MP a couple of photos

Print them off, stick them in an envelope and send them to your MP. Maybe the fuckers will get the hint this time.

Time for a new campaign, perhaps?

Since the 1984 campaign did not seem to get the message across very well, can I second this campaign from the Daily Mash (other online humour periodicals are available!)?

Meanwhile, as the Daily Mash launched its 'Send Your MP a Photograph of Ceausescu Shortly Before They Put Him Up Against a Wall' campaign, the leaders of the three main parties pretended to call for an immediate overhaul of the expenses system in a concerted bid to make the story go away.

Sitting on a taxpayer-funded fence

Compare and contrast:

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg wrote to Mr Brown and Mr Cameron seeking an urgent meeting to reform the system of MPs’ expenses.

In his letter, the Lib-Dem leader wrote: “The recent scandals make it clear we cannot continue with the current system any longer.

with:

LibDems Claim Highest Expenses

The averages:

* LibDems claim £140,217
* Labour MPs claim £136,116
* Tory MPs claim £131,275

Yeah, Nick, we believe you. No, really, we do.

Cunt.

Wow!

I wish I had come up with this masterclass:

Sorry, chaps. There is no hope for you. None. You have dug your own grave and you have dug it deep.

Can I stop paying for you now?

A question for Douglas Carswell

Since I know the best-selling author of The Plan has a real gripe with defence spending, I wonder how he would suggest spending should be done in a smaller government?

Do you do away with MOD procurement entirely, and let the military build their own logistics wing into a unit that can do it all, or what?

In reply to the Penguin

Even the apparently scrupulous Mr Hollobone manages to get within a gnat's whisker of the maximum second home allowance. But if he can get by with no staff and modest other expenses, why can no other MP manage this?

In fact, while there may actually be the odd MP who needs some help, since most of them don't do anything useful with our communications, we're fucking wasting our money on paying for their staff anyway.

So, Mr Hollobone gets me narked for maximising his second home payments, but all the other MPs who use staff really do have some explaining to do. It looks to me very much like they are being lazy cunts, so at least while Phil is feathering his nest at my expense, he's working for his salary. All the other MPs are feathering their own nests and/or are fucking lazy cunts.

That 80 or 90 grand you're paying for staffing costs is paying twice for shit the MP should actually be doing.

Cunts.

Progressive Corporatism: coming soon to a government department near you

Where the Americans lead, so we will follow:

Remember, when a private company wants to cover up billions in losses and the responsibility for them, that's a major scandal and proof of the evils of capitalism. But when a government regulator does the same thing, that's just how people are, these things happen, whaddyagonnado...

Scary, scary stuff. And something to bear in mind when you see what the government does with our not-at-all-nationalised banks.

Anyone else find it amusing ...

... that Douglas Carswell, scourge of parlimentary waste, claims the absolute max for his 2nd home allowance?

Also pretty amazing how few of them have claimed less than £100K in expenses.

Maybe we will need all 646 lamp posts after all. :o(

Keep the earplugs handy

It's Peter Hain's idea of a Welsh "Obama moment."

G20 protests nicely skewered

Teh funneh:

There's city dust in my eyes, and my legs feel like blocks of wood as we take the final mile down Picadilly towards Hyde Park. A painted banner flaps against my body, proclaiming us Anti-Capitalist Feminists. And I'm still chanting. I'm an animal, a tiny, burning ball of rage and justice, I've got all my sisters with me, it's been four hours since my last latte and I'm running on adrenaline and outrage. Me and thirty-five thousand others.

Anti-Capitalist Feminists? That must be quite a niche group. The sort of group that has about three members on your standard university campus. And each of those three members is the sort of ranting bore you would cross the street to avoid.

But for me the best line is the one about “my last latte”. Fucking hell, there is nothing more communist or feminist then quaffing lattes before going on a protest march. Lenin used to do that, you know. Just before he seized power in Russia, he was in Starbucks having a latte. Those miners in the miner’s strike of the mid-80’s, they were quaffing latte’s too. It really is the drink of the working class revolutionaries.

More equal than others

Once again, the motherfucker of all Parliaments comes storming into the lead when it comes to disgraceful behaviour:

If you are a party treasurer or official, it appears that you will soon be able to sleep a little easier. Under planned new provisions, as long as you make reasonable efforts to establish that a donation was permissible under the law then you cannot be guilty of any crime connected to accepting a dodgy donation.

The Political Parties and Elections Bill is making its way through parliament, with peers discussing it earlier this month. It covers the laws connected to the acceptance of donations, rules for campaigning and provisions governing the conduct of elections.

Clause 9, "defence to charge of failing to return donation to impermissible donor", amends Section 56 of the original 2000 Act and makes very intriguing reading. It clarifies that "if a party or a treasurer is charged with an offence of accepting an impermissible donation, the party or party treasurer will not be guilty if they can show that they took all reasonable steps to verify that the donation was from a permissible donor."

Hmmm, in the light of various ongoing scandals over party donations that's all very convenient, isn't it?

As if that wasn't bad enough:

One expert, who has been following the progress of the bill very closely, suspects he knows what it is all about beyond ensuring nobody goes to jail. Ultimately, he claims, it could allow parties to argue they should keep any dodgy money on the grounds that they did not know it was impermissible when they accepted it.

And politicians wonder why we hate them, loathe them and despise them as much as we do. Do you really think that it's OK for you, Mr Politician, to create rules which benefit yourselves and exempt yourselves from behaviour that would be considered criminal, or at the very least inappropriate and immoral, anywhere else?

Update: Fucking Penguin, always one fucking step ahead of me. Cunt.

Seen elsewhere

The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle's take on Mid-Staffs.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 18

Update: Horrifyingly ...

How the government REALLY decides who gets bailouts and who doesn't

Heh.

Maintaining a sense of proportion

We've all seen people get outraged or faux-outraged over stupid things. But generally, there is some sort of basis for understanding over why people can claim to be outraged.

And then there is this:

A group of Greenlanders have been in uproar recently over Danish designer Peter Jensen’s use of traditional Greenlandic boots, first shown as part of his new collection at London Fashion Week, arguing that he has copied the national dress to the letter rather than being inspired by it.

What began as a simple protest developed into a serious situation when it was reported that the designer has been the victim of death threats.

Dude, seriously! WTF?

Spot on, again!

Class:

"Okay, so his English is not very good and his national insurance contributions might not be up to date, but at least he can flush my u-bend and tighten my leaky flange."

Update: Arse:

The row has given further ammunition to the opposition leadership who have been quick to use it as an example of just how out of touch Labour have become.

“Just about any 14 year old boy could show you dozens of places to get free porn,” said one Conservative Party insider.

“And yet this man, married to one of our most powerful politicians, pays real cash money for it?”

“It’s frankly shocking. It shows just how out of touch New Labour really has become.”

Quelle surprise!

Fucking bastards.

A Nasty Thought

What will all the comings and cummings, I wonder what Gordon's "cum face" is.

Is Gorgon looking for his own "Falklands moment"?

It certainly sounds like it:

Gordon Brown has warned that he will not surrender the sovereignty of the Falkland Islands ahead of tense talks with Argentina today.

Can you imagine the fucking hash he's going to make of it?

What a load of fucking shit

Who is this Nick Cohen cunt, anyway?

The best reason for wanting my colleagues to survive is that serious reporters and broadcasters offer a guarantee that what they say is true. If they stray, their editors impose journalistic standards and insist on objectivity.

Because, of course, no-one has ever accused the Graun of reporting the news in a fucking biased way, have they? Or the Telegraph? The Times? the BBC? The Daily Mail, for fuck's sake?

Cohen, give it up. Really.

I don't fucking trust anyone, but I trust bloggers more than I trust the mainstream media, that is for fucking sure. And don't get me started on political journos who are entirely fucking co-opted into the Wastemonster bubble. They need stringing up with the 645. (I'm going to give Carswell a break here.)

You're not wrong, boyo!

Dai Woosnam of Grimsby gives an indication of just how bad it's become:

THE Tony McNulty expenses exposure is the last straw (Labour minister claimed living expenses for parents’ home, News, last week). I was born into a socialist household in the Rhondda Valley 61 years ago. From the cradle, we were taught a reverence for the democratic process. We understood all about Magna Carta and how parliament was created to provide protection for the people against the cruel excesses of the ruling class.

I now nightly go to bed praying for a young army officer to save this country from the new ruling class: the professional politician. These characters — of all parties – have poisoned the well of the mother of parliaments.

Nothing short of the tanks surrounding Portcullis House will satisfy folks like me.

God only knows how he feels about paying for Mr Jacqui Beria's hand shandies.

Even the Indy admits it

Click here.

Click on "Is human activity changing the earth's climate?"

Click on "Case for significant anthropogenic climate change is clear."

See that red box? The one that says "Zero empirical evidence of anthropogenic cause"? If you click on that, they say that there really is no empirical evidence of man causing global warming. But it doesn't matter, we need to do something about it anyway.

Christ, I thought my ex-wife pulled her arguments out of her arse ...

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 17

Now THAT is how you screw your clients!

As seen on Page 11 of the London Lite of 27 March 2009:

A married barrister who had an affair with a client charged her £250 an hour for the time they were having sex, she claims.

But the bit that really made me chuckle was her name: Anal Sheikh.

Pickles gets it, eventually.

"On BBC’s Question Time last night, Conservative Party Chairman Eric Pickles became visibly agitated after being questioned on his use of his second home allowance for his constituency in Brentwood & Ongar.

During the debate he said that it was "no fun" doing the commute and that he would leave at 530am in order to make sure to be at the House of Commons by 930am.

Trains run from Liverpool Street Station every ten minutes to Brentwood. The train journey time is forty minutes.

David Dimbleby began by asking Mr Pickles if he claims for a second home:

EP: “I do indeed have a two house system and an allowance. But if I could just make a brief contribution –

DD; “How far away from Westminster are you?”

EP: “Thirty seven miles.”

[Boos from the audience]

EP: “And if I could just make this brief contribution to hang an MP week -“

DD: “Take your time! Take your time!”

EP: “OK, then let me explain why. And I have actually had experience of commuting that distance, when my wife was ill (she’s fully recovered now) – but for a month I did it. And it was an extremely difficult experience and I’ll explain why. Because the House of Commons works on clockwork: you have to be there, if you’re on a committee, you have to be there precisely. Particularly for someone like me, I was a number two –“

[Boos from the audience]

EP: “Let me explain, let me explain, please just let me explain for a moment. I had to be there –“

DD: “Like a job, in other words?”

[applause and laughter from audience]

EP: “Yes exactly like a job. If you’re number two in the opposition, you’re essentially running the committee. So I needed to be there at 930 to move those amendments. It doesn’t matter if a Liberal Democrat isn’t there, but it matters if I’m there –“

Ed Davey: “That’s just cheap”

EP: “When I was doing this, I was leaving home at five thirty in the morning to guarantee that I was there and I wasn’t getting back until twelve or one in the morning. Now you can do that once or twice, you can do that for a while. But you’ve got to understand, the House of Commons runs like clockwork.”

Caroline Lucas: “So does the rest of the world, Eric.”

EP: “And I have never, ever claimed my full allowance. I have always claimed the amount –“

[jeers from audience]

EP: “Well I mean, I publish them. I’ve always published them on my website. They’ve always been there for people to see. I have always been accountable. And I can tell you, I think the things are going to come out in a week’s time. I think I’ve only claimed about sixty percent of the allowance, it might even be fifty five percent. But I’m a serious guy who will put in the hours. And I will work for those hours. But I can tell you this: it is no fun doing five thirty in the morning right the way through. You cannot be sat on a train thinking ‘am I going to make it? Am I not going to make it?’ That’s why I do it.”

Audience Member: “Do you think Fred Goodwin should give some of his pension back Eric?”

EP: “Yeah, I do.”

Audience Member: “Right - that’s because he’s behaved immorally, unreasonably perhaps. But he’s played within the rules! Don’t you think that’s a bit hypocritical?”

EP: “I had my flat – I bought my flat when we regularly sitting until two in the morning. I bought my flat when we did that. I bought that flat because it turned out –“

[Audience member: “sell it!”]

EP: “OK well I’ll sell it. Of course I could sell it. I am never going to be able to satisfy you folks, at all, because I am an MP and therefore guilty.”

Exactly, Eric. You are one of those people who believes that he knows better than us, exempts himself from the laws and rules which he inflicts on us, troughs at our expense and then has the gall to stand up and tell us all how hard his life is.

FUCK YOU, ERIC PICKLES: ordinary people get up at 5AM every fucking day to go to work, and leave late every day. They have to do it out of their own pockets, after paying the taxes that pay your fucking salary and the taxes from which you exempt yourselves.

I don't think like Iain Martin that you should be under house arrest. I think you should be swinging from a fucking lamp post, you thieving, arrogant, mendacious cunt.

Why Bristol?

"Because I think I've overloaded the Traffic Warden numbers and we need something to make you look like a loser."

The Bastard in fine form!

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 16

Wot Blaney says

Stick two fingers up at the hectoring cunts:

I invite as many of you around the world as possible to join me in standing up to collectivist bullying by leftists and liberals who are too scared to campaign openly for the socialist paradise they really want and who use "climate change" as the scare story to cajole a gullible and desensitized public into backing their warped worldview.

Join me tonight in turning ALL of your lights ON for an hour. Light up your home as a beacon of liberty standing up to the tyranny of environmental zealots.

Oh dear

Kiss the rest of your day goodbye.

Ugh

Dolly Draper really is not a very likable person, is he?

Too much CSI can rot your justice system

This is a superb example of why we should not encourage technocracy.

They're all the fucking same

So, who have we caught with their fingers in the till lately? Conway, Keen, Martin, Hain, Darling, Spelman, McNumpty, Thomas, Lamebrain Lammy, Jacqboot Five Bellies, "Yes We Can (steal from the taxpayer)" Butler and now Pickles. I see a sleaze allegation about a LibDem donor is doing the rounds. I reckon the only reason a LibDem hasn't been caught milking the system is that no-one cares about them. Alex the Oily Fish spent £130,000 as an MP and saw the inside of Wastemonster SIX times in exchange.

It's clear to me that all the main parties are filled with a bunch of statist, rent-seeking, trough-snuffling cunts. The BNP is sound on Europe and worse than the mainstream on everything else. UKIP is riven with in-fighting and while I'm a fan of Farage, there is no real agenda to UKIP apart from getting us out of the EU.

If you feel the same, then try a better alternative. The Libertarian Party has a coherent set of policies which will restore power to the voter, measurably lower goverment waste and improve your life.

Don't waste your vote on the LibLabCon Party. They really are all the fucking same.

Update: I hadn't even posted and already there's another piggy fucker. Comparing himself with Churchill as well, cheeky, chippy cunt.

Watch this ...

... if you dare!

I personally could not take more than 21 seconds (fnaar!)

Update: dungeekin rebuts. Superbly.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 15

Oh, FFS!

Jesus fucking Christ:

Drinking steaming hot tea has been linked with an increased risk of oesophageal (food tube) cancer, Iranian scientists have found.

WTF? All these years we've been reading about the health benefits of green teas and stuff, and now it turns out it's going to kill us because we drink them neat?

Look you fucking health nazis, any fucking thing done to extremes will damage you. But what will we have now? Fucking health warnings on PG Tips? Tea only sold to over-18s? Licenses to sell tea?

Just fucking fuck off, all of you!

Tip of the clown wig to the very scary lady.

YABTF*

* Yet another blogger to follow -- Carpsio:

So Business Link have taken your 5 grand and given it to a business that won’t last more than a couple of months and specified that the money should be spent on about the least relevant service. In addition, to administer this money we have to leap through hoops that they have set in terms of actions, reporting and timescales. Does any of this add up to extra efficiencies? In that £5000, a few hundred quid will go west in creating the ‘correct’ audit trail to fit their stupid fucking, box-ticking requirements.

Government just doesn't work.

What's the monocular mentalist smiling about though?

Dan Hannan rips the nutter with the stutter a new arsehole. But look at about 2:56 in:



Tip of the clown wig to the Scumbag.

The Welsh

Fucking Morlock CUNTS!!

Why can't these fucking cocksuckers drive?

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 14

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 13

Things I never thought I'd read

Ladies, if, at one breakfast time, the man you love – or you, at least, tolerate for the time being - slaps down a photograph of a uniformed policewoman licking an ice cream, and then begins to pleasure himself into your half-empty breakfast cereal dish, it doesn’t – necessarily mean you are co-habiting with a fetishist, merely a fairly typical male.

On the road again

Blogging will be sporadic as my employer has me doing this shitty "work" stuff again.

Cunts.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 12

That stimulus package

With a serious flourish of the clown wig to IanPJ.

In praise of Jade Goody

Now there's a phrase I bet you never thought you'd read in the "corrosive right-wing blogosphere". But let me say this:

1. She took a shit hand dealt to her by life and made herself a millionaire by exploiting the celebrity system.
2. She milked every drop she could with all her on camera near-death time ro make sure her kids were well provided for.
3. It also looks like her tax planning was pretty canny.

Good on her. If you'll excuse the pun.

I know she could afford the very best makeup artists, etc., but I still can't believe she looked so good on her death bed. Call me cynical, but I wouldn't be amazed to find her pitch up alive and well again some day on a desert island.

This time it's not Maggie taking the Myners down

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Questions hung over the future of Lord Myners, the City Minister, last night after it emerged that he helped to set up a business in the tax haven of Bermuda. The minister, who has already been severely criticised for allowing Sir Fred Goodwin, the former RBS chief executive, to leave his job with a £16.9 million pension pot, helped in 2002 to set up Aspen Insurance Holdings, a company based in Bermuda that avoids more than £100 million a year in British taxes.

Gordon Brown, who appointed Lord Myners last October, has declared his intention to clamp down on tax havens, saying this month that the world has “no place” for them.

Lord Myners, who is responsible for the Government’s handling of the banking crisis and who helped the Prime Minister last year to launch a high-profile investigation into tax havens, earned close to £200,000 in one year as chairman of Aspen, a property and crisis reinsurance company. He received a £50,000 farewell bonus when he left the job in 2007.

George Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, said: “Paul Myners is fast turning from an embarrassing appointment by Gordon Brown to a serious liability for the Labour Party. First, his story on why he failed to stop the Goodwin pension is unravelling and now his alleged involvement in offshore tax avoidance makes the Government’s belated campaign against offshore tax havens look like hypocrisy.”

Vince Cable, the Liberal Democrat Treasury spokesman, said: “His position is looking weaker by the day. He has obviously made some serious mis-judgements. He operates in a world where extremely large tax avoidance is a matter of routine.”

The Gorgon has made another inept decision. Headless chicken, anyone? Meanwhile, we just pay and pay and pay. Lovely!

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 11

If you don't already ...

... you really should be reading Dennis.

The Monocular Mentalist says "War, war, war!"

Fuck off you stuttering nutter:

Across all these strands, our response must be international, national and local. At the national level, we have built the strongest-ever counterterrorist framework, with investment rising from £1bn in 2001 to £3.5bn in 2011. At our borders, we have brought in improved electronic checks, excluded more than 150 people from Britain on national security grounds since 2005 and toughened our approach to refusing entry to extremists. We have better protection of crowded places, major buildings and our transport system and we are setting out a new approach to the risk that terrorists will abuse modern technology to mount chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear attacks.

Do you know what, Gorgon? I don't fucking believe a word you say. I don't believe that we're at great risk of terrorism and I certainly don't believe that because you've been pissing our money out like a drunken sailor that we're any safer.

Stop trying to help you fucking loony. If you want to do something useful, go commit fucking suicide, you utter freak.

David Cameron is going to tax and spend ...

... like a slightly less drunk sailor.

If you want a serious debt reduction from the government, vote for me.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 10

No comment -- kinda

A serving police officer named in a leaked list of British National Party (BNP) members has been sacked.

Pc Steve Bettley, of Merseyside Police, was included in the list of the far right party's entire membership register which was leaked on an internet blog.

The officer, who was briefly the driver for chief constable Bernard Hogan Howe, has been suspended from duty since the list became public last November.

A Merseyside Police spokeswoman said: "A Merseyside Police misconduct panel has dismissed Constable Steve Bettley after concluding he had knowingly been a member of the British National Party from March 2007 and up to March 2008."

The spokeswoman added: "In determining their findings, the panel confirmed there was no evidence that Pc Bettley had ever displayed any racist views or discriminatory behaviour in the workplace.

"The panel determined that Pc Bettley's membership of the BNP is a clear breach of lawful orders and police regulations as the party's views are incompatible with the duties and values of the Police Service."

A ban on serving police officers joining the BNP was introduced by the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) in 2004.

Merseyside Police Federation, which represented Pc Bettley at the misconduct hearings, said he accepted his name was on the BNP list but he denied being a member of the party.

He said he was enrolled in the party by a family member without his knowledge and he planned to appeal against the dismissal.

A spokesman for Merseyside Police Federation said: "We are disappointed with the finding and sanction of the misconduct panel and do not believe that there is any evidence presented to the panel which would indicate that he was knowingly a member of the BNP."

Nothing to say that he signed himself up for the BNP, no evidence of racist tendencies, but just having your name on the list is enough to cost you your job. Even a policeman doesn't deserve this!

Fuck tha NSPCC!!

Bishop Hill has collected links to some very important posts regarding the fake charity that is the NSPCC.

It's not well worth a read: it is absolutely essential.

The surreptitious oiling of a weasel

I commend this to your attention.

Jolly good show!

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 9

A work of art

Sheer, unadulterated genius!

Call Me Dave and Blu Labour

Plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose:

David Cameron signalled that the rich would have to pay “their fair share” to rescue the economy from the mounting crisis in the public finances.

It was made clear that hundreds of thousands of top earners would face paying the new rate — which Labour will also introduce after the election if they hang on to power — if Mr Cameron enters Number 10.

Yeah, you go for that, Dave. Nice bit of dogwhistle politics designed to attract Labour knuckledraggers.

Why not fucking slash public spending and let us keep more of our money, you utter fucking cunt?

Le Hoon Du Jour: Kerry McCarthy MP

Cunt:

For a start, intelligent parents are more likely to be left-leaning and thus ideologically opposed to private schooling. (This is an incontrovertible fact, based on many years' personal observation on my part).

Congratulations, Kerry, for deciding that in order to be intelligent, you have to forget about personal responsibility and suck the government's cock. You arrogant fucking whore: I hope you choke on your taxpayer-funded weetabix.

PS How about that fucking left-leaning Dianne Abbott, then? And I fucking bet if you could get a man drunk enough to stick his cock in you, you'd ship your fucking kids off to a private school, you overbearing, arrogant cocksniffer.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 8

The Gruandia: grabbing the wrong end of the shitty stick ...

... and beating itself about the head with it since 1821:

Further detailed allegations about tax avoidance schemes set up by Barclays Bank emerged tonight from whistleblowers who said the bank made close to £1bn profit a year from a series of elaborate deals.

The schemes are similar to those detailed in documents published by the Guardian this week which have been the centre of a three-day hearing at the high court, and are the subject of a gagging order.

The internal Barclays memos were leaked by a mole to the Liberal Democrats. The new allegations reiterate claims that the bank's main purpose in entering into these schemes was to make profit from tax avoidance through an intricate circuit of offshore Cayman Islands and Luxembourg companies. The profits are said to be enormous and the deals so complex that HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC) struggles to unravel them.

Barclays has vigorously denied the claims and earlier this week won an emergency injunction forcing the Guardian to remove internal bank documents from its website. Earlier today a judge confirmed the ban, saying the documents contained confidential commercial information and legal advice. The Guardian is also banned from giving information about other publicly accessible sources of copies of the documents.

Jesus fucking wept.

Listen, you fucking cunts: tax avoidance, no matter how fucking circuitous, is PERFECTLY FUCKING LEGAL!

These fucking schemes are all started because of loopholes in the tax law which the government leaves in to keep tax lawyers and accountants in business. If the government simplified the tax code, all these schemes would become null and void.

And the fucking Guardian is the LAST fucking newspaper that should have the gall to fucking berate anyone else for using tax avoidance schemes, because the the Guardian doesn't fucking pay any tax because it uses ... fucking legal tax avoidance schemes!

YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL CUNTS!!!!!

About fucking time, too!

Finally, the world is starting to put "clear blue water" between their own economic policies and those of our Prime Mentalist:

“We are doing enough,” said Mirek Topolanek, the Czech Prime Minister, whose country holds the EU presidency.

Ms Merkel also vowed to oppose further stimulus plans unless they could be shown to have immediate benefits.

“It is not time to look at more growth measures. I disagree with this idea completely. The existing measures must work. They must be allowed to develop,” she said.

[Even that lefty twat] José Manuel Barroso, the European Commission President, said that leaders should focus on existing measures and suggested that leaders risked causing public anxiety about the economy by proposing ever-larger rescue plans. “Instead of anticipating the next plan, let’s concentrate on implementing the plans we have,” he said.

“If the message we send to our public is, ‘our plan is not enough’, that is not going to create confidence.”

The Nutter with the Stutter is looking increasingly isolated as the rest of the world says: "Whoa, baby! Enough's enough."

Good. At least there will be somewhere to go when this shithole finally implodes.

Your chance to say something to Gordon Brown

"If I could say one thing ..."

Somehow, I can't see my comment making it through to the dire published list.

Update: Dungeekin' says it's all a sting.

Update 2: More of the same ...







Update 3: Dizzy weighs in. So does Fido the Dog.

Tom Harris, take note

This post is not substantially longer than your last foetid pile of shite, but contains in its brief contents some actual substance:

Edmund Conway writing in today's Telegraph says "The Conservatives should also set a specific target to which they will reduce the size of the public burden and the tax burden". Erm. Yes, Edmund. But why do you suppose that not a single government has managed to achieve that in the past two generations?

Using executive fiat to control the amount that the executive spends doesn't work. No matter who's the minister, the executive doesn't do executive restraint - fact.

The cost of government has ballooned because there's no longer any effective restraint over how the executive spends our money. Estimates debates in the Commons are an exercise in rubber stamping. Budget Day is reduced to poor theatre. Instead, the myriad of quangos don't have anyone properly accountable to taxpayers overseeing how they spend our money. The result is massive waste, project delays - and the ever rising cost of government.

If we're serious about curtailing the fiscal (and other) excesses of the executive, we need to allow the legislature - not a panel of technocrats - to rein them in. Were technocratic oversight of quango spending the solution, Italy would never have had a budget deficit, and the our own National Audit Office would have curbed government excess.

Why not require each of the 800+ quangos to submit an annual budget to the relevant select committee of the Commons for annual approval? Don’t stop at quangos, why not require each department to have its annual budget submitted for such approval?

No approval, no money. Simple. It’d focus a few minds.

It'd also give them something meaningful to do in SW1 - and it'd mean many fewer botched contracts and wasted money.

See? It's not beyond the wit of an MP to write something pithy, intelligent and worth reading. It's even worth implementing.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 7

Le Hoon Du Jour: Tom Harris MP

Wittering on about the Tories 12 years ago:

FOLLOWING on from the last post and the repetition by Tory readers of the Dale-ite mantra “every single Labour government in history has left office with unemployment higher than when it started”, I thought this might be an opportune time for a little competition:

What were the levels of UK employment/unemployment when the Tories took over in May 1979 and what were they when they were finally kicked out in May 1997?

Anyone? Helloooo…?

Listen, you lazy fucking cunt: stop using the excuse that over a decade ago, things were worse or the same or somehow comparable. You fucks have had a decade, a full fucking decade to make things "better" or at least different. You've had a full decade to break the repeated accusation that Labour governments fuck the economy into a cocked hat and arserape taxpayers. And what have you done? You've fucked the economy into another dimension and buttfucked the taxpayer all the way into a hospital where they're going to die of an infection.

Your utter laziness and the "yah-boo-sucks" politics (which you always accuse the Tories of) is a fucking disgrace. Why do we pay you cunts such extortionate sums when all you can come up with is vapid drivel like this?

If you can't find anything useful to say, then shut the fuck up.

Le Hoon Du Jour

Today's Hoon du jour award goes to the cockmonkey on the Kawazuki YBFZRCXYZ-1000 who was hanging off his bike like Valentino Rossi going round corners.

On the M25.

At 80MPH.

Come back, Dubya, all is forgiven!

Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

A teleprompt blunder has led to Barack Obama thanking himself in a speech at the White House in a St Patrick's Day celebration.

Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen was just a few paragraphs into an address in Washington when he realised it all sounded a bit too familiar.

It was. He was repeating the speech President Barack Obama had just read from the same teleprompter.

Mr Cowen stopped, turned to the president and said: "That's your speech."

A laughing Mr Obama returned to the podium to take over but it seems the script had finally been switched and the US president ended up thanking himself for inviting everyone to the party.

Mr Obama is an accomplished orator but is becoming known in America as the "teleprompt president" over his reliance on the machine when he gives a speech.

It really does look like he's just as dumb as the shaved chimp. How come he gets a free pass? Is it because he is black?

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 6

Tell you what, you Nazi cunt ...

... why don't you open the coffers of the Catholic fucking church if you feel that strongly about it?

He will appeal to rich countries which are grappling with the global financial crisis not to forget Africa's acute needs.

The Gruandia: doolally as ever

Dunno what these cunts are smoking ...

Labour still has a slim chance of seeing off the Tories at the next general election if it can show that the economy is beginning to improve by polling day, a Guardian/ICM poll reveals today.

In your fucking dreams matey. Especially not with the monocular mentalist running the show.

Why isnt' the government fucking around with the NHS then?

The cock-sucking wankstains reckon they might save 300-odd lives by reducing the NSL to 50 MPH, making everyone's life more of a fucking misery. But for 400 actual deaths and possibly many more, nothing.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 5

Apologies

My employer is running me ragged at the moment. However, normal service will be resumed some time this week.

If I don't drop dead from the strain, first.

Cunts.

Public transport

A cabbie asked me yesterday how much the return train fare was from my end of the world to the big smoke. When I told him, he said: "That's not bad."

No, it's not bad, especially when you consider all the freebies, like listening to the banal dribblings of fuckwits and cockwafts who want to share their pathetic, miserable lives with everyone at the top of their voices, or the corpse-like smell of rotting feet that some people waft around when they, in turn, are not screaming into their nasty little Nokias or eating overly vinegared chips.

The fucker then charged me pretty much the same amount for a ten-mile journey.

Harrabin's Hypocrisy

Watched that sanctimonious cunt on the news last night, telling us all how our evil ways are killing off the coral reefs and the societies that depend on them. What bastards we are.

Of course, this was done, without a trace of irony, from a resort in the Red Sea.

Harrabin, you utter wankstain: I really hope you rowed all the way from London in an organically knitted coracle, because otherwise you are a fucking knave and a dog for using license payer money to tell license payers to live in a way that you want them to but are not prepared to adhere to yourself.

I despise you, your bullying attitude and your shameless hypocrisy and I hope you die painfully from face cancer.

Cunt.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 4

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 3a

Via Martin:

Derek Draper: WTF? Part Deux

Just been twattered by the unshaven one:

@obnoxiotheclown awww! the rabid right wing nihilists - out argued, out gunned and out lived. no wonder they are so bitter..

My reply:

@derekdraper -- if we're that outgunned, why won't the nutter with the stutter call an election?

His crushing comeback:

@obnoxiotheclown oh so you're a cameroon now are you? fool

This kind of shoddy logic is actually pretty symptomatic of our political class: "if you're not on our side, you must be on the side of the guy we fear the most."

Actually, Dolly, I think David Cameron will be just as fucking useless as the monocular mentalist. What I think he will not be is quite as fucking insanely keen on scorching the earth as the nutter with the stutter. So he will not be any good, just different.

But while the Gorgon is a fucking menace to us all, he is a thousand times more dangerous because of all the douchebags, sleazebuckets and assorted arrogant fuckwits that infest the Labour Party. The rotting stench of the Labour Party has soiled the air for far too long. It's time for you to go.

Go. Just take your tent and steal into the night, like the shameful diseased wretches that you are. Go. Leave. Sally forth.

Fuck off and die. May a plague fall upon all your houses, too.

Update: A rather attractive but somehow scary young lady twatters to assure me that Dolly's page is gay: apparently purple with sparkly bits gives the game away.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 3

If you were wondering what happened to Guido

He's moved.

Update: I have a message for you all from Gweeds. He say: "Drink more Guinness".

For some reason, the saintly NHS is different

For years now, I've been saying what this guy is:

People in England will get more online powers to rate GPs, police, childcare and councils, Gordon Brown has said.

He said it was wrong that consumer websites such as Amazon and eBay had "higher standards of transparency" than those for public services.

Officials liken the new approach to the Tripadvisor site, where travellers can share their thoughts on hotels.

The PM promised an "information revolution", but the Tories said public services were still too bureaucratic.

Where to begin.

Why? I'm a patient, not a fucking journalist. I don't have to rate my local Sainsbury's to keep the store on its toes. In fact a couple of years ago a small Tesco store opened just downt he road from the Sainsbury's, and geuss what: there was a price war, and most recently Sainsbury's has been shut, re-modelled, expanded, and totally overhauled. That is competition, driven by the presence of choice.

If you want to improve public services, in particular education and the NHS, then crack them open to free choice and let them compete. The change will happen naturally and miraculously.*

Why is the fucking NHS so fucking special and different that giving customers a genuine choice as to where our money goes, heresy?

Huh?

*Admittedly, I swear a fucking lot more.

Medical therapy

I’m sorry to lapse into such relatively uncharacteristic bad language, but Balls is an ignorant, arrogant, fuck-wit tosser. What a total prick. This is the blame culture. This is how Stalin did it. If people need "retraining" clearly they got it wrong and must be sent off to the Gulag. What the fuck is the National College for School Leadership going to do to protect children at risk? Come to think about it, what the fuck is the National College for School Leadership? Does Balls really think that social services chiefs need to go on a course to be “more aware of the pressures their staff are under”? What a complete arsehole this man is.

Nurse! The screens, please!

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 2

Informix Roundup: 13 Mar 2009

solidDB article.

IDS with InfoSphere Data Architect article.

DST issue on Windoze Server 2003.

LINQ and ADO.NET entity framework programming article.

Change! Hope! Fuck!

That didn't take long, did it?

It is simply wrong for commentators to continue to focus on President Barack Obama's high levels of popularity, and to conclude that these are indicative of high levels of public confidence in the work of his administration. Indeed, a detailed look at recent survey data shows that the opposite is most likely true. The American people are coming to express increasingly significant doubts about his initiatives, and most likely support a different agenda and different policies from those that the Obama administration has advanced.

Polling data show that Mr. Obama's approval rating is dropping and is below where George W. Bush was in an analogous period in 2001.

Fucking hell, he's already less popular than the shaved chimp? What's going to happen when the Dimocrats stop sucking his pole, come up for air and see what's going on?

Tip of the clown wig to Blaney.

Just for Tom Harris, MP

Tip of the clown wig to Damo Mackerel.

Friday Fun

Tip of the clown wig to Guthrum.

Parenting Tips -- an occasional series: Part 1

Bastard cunting fuckmongering cockwafts

My employer is insisting that I actually do stuff.

Feel free to insult them in the comments.

Normal service will resume soon, I hope.

Once again, saying it better than I ever could

Bastards:

DOCTORS should be taxed every time they open their fat, smug, overpaid mouths, it was claimed last night.

People across Britain said the money could be reinvested in the NHS and used to pay for nice foreign doctors who just treat you instead of making you feel like Adolf Eichmann every time you fancy a Star Bar.

Damn tooting!

Great British Justice

Conniving cunt:

Labour peer Lord Ahmed has been freed just over two weeks into his 12-week jail sentence.

That's a fucking sweet deal. He killed someone, let's not forget.

Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty

Speaking at the BMA Annual Scottish Conference, Dr Interferingscrote - who started his campaign after his wife and children left him for someone who was less of a miserable, joyless waste of oxygen - had called for chocolate to be subject to taxation, which could be used to fund further campaigns to remove anything people enjoy from life.

Cunt.

Cunt

The Bristolian has tagged me, the cunt.

The films are: Citizen Kane, The Godfather (seen), Casablanca (seen), Raging Bull, Singin’ in the Rain, Gone with the Wind, Lawrence of Arabia, Schindler’s List, Vertigo, The Wizard of Oz (seen), City Lights, The Searchers, Star Wars: Episode IV (own), Psycho, 2001: A Space Odyssey (own), Sunset Boulevard (seen), The Graduate,The General, On the Waterfront, It’s a Wonderful Life, Chinatown (seen), Some Like it Hot (seen), The Grapes of Wrath, ET: The Extra-Terrestrial (seen) and To Kill a Mockingbird.

Score 11.

Fucking shit selection. No Arnie, no Stallone, no Snipes.

Coventry: hell on earth

I had to go to Ikea today. First time I've ever been. First time I've ever been to Coventry, too.

Ikea wasn't as bad as I was expecting. At least it wasn't busy and the staff appeared to be able to string coherent sentences together.

But Coventry ... what a fucking shithole! It was like the set of Little Britain, stuffed with mongs, chavs, mobility scooters, bad drivers and fucking suicidal pedestrians. Plus the road layout was designed by someone who expected that people would all be travelling on Vespas or something.

I thought I lived in an utter toilet, but fuck me, it's like Portmeiron by comparison.

Passed a truck on the way home, apparently it belongs to "Dick Filmer". "Mr Brown, are you ready for your closeup?"

Spot the commonality

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C.

Exhibit D:



I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Are these cheeky chappies not getting a bit big for their collective boots?

Tip of the clown wig to Wayne Holmes for the picture.

Bailouts explained in pictures

Via the FT blog, this little gem.

As seen on Twatter

Guess who said this:

@LucyBaxter i don't like people spreading false information, as a psychologist or indeed a person

Guess I should have gotten a screenshot, but hey ho.

Informix Roundup: 11 Mar 2009

Informix Warehouse still in the news (dozens of links, I just put up one. Plus Eric's take on it.)

Informix event in Lisbon, 24 March 2009.

Sears need a DBA.

Informix job in Little Rock.

Informix Developer Edition VM appliance.

Developing with Open Source and Informix webcast.

My horoscope for today

Curses:

A full Moon next to Saturn signals a climactic point for one pet project. But remember, in the eyes of the law, as an animal can't speak, it can't give its consent.

Although I liked Libra's better.

I vow to cut down on taxes ... PERIOD

Inspired by the lovely Cuntess Dracula, I hereby pledge that if elected, I will heed this call:

Bad enough to be bleeding without the fucking treasury bleeding me dry as well!

Get Your VAT Off My Twat!

Obnoxio The Clown: doing more for gender rights than all the wittering clits on LabourList!

If I said this, I'd be branded a racist

I know, because I've been saying it for years, and I've consequently been branded a racist:

Development aid does more harm than good in Africa, says Zambian economist and author Dambisa Moyo, so we should stop it. She has the ear of at least one African president, Paul Kagame of Rwanda. 'Why should Bono be the one to determine economic policy in Africa?

It was during her studies at Harvard that she first started wondering why Africa is the only continent that is forever struggling. Later, as she was working on her thesis at Oxford, she tried to figure out why poor Asian countries like South Korea or Thailand managed to join the world of emerging nations when no African country did. For the next eight years, she worked for the US investment bank Goldman Sachs. Gradually her conviction grew stronger: Africa will never get on its feet unless it makes a clean break with the system of development aid.

It is aid itself that is keeping Africa poor. This in a nutshell, is the argument Moyo develops in the first half of her book, Dead Aid, which came out last month. She is referring only to government aid, not to emergency humanitarian aid or charity. "Development aid simply doesn't work," she says. "It was supposed to lead to sustainable economic growth and a reduction of poverty. Name one African country where this has happened."

Dead Aid caused a sensation in Great Britain. Here was a young, successful, educated African woman trespassing in a world dominated by middle-aged white men. Economist like William Easterley and Jeffrey Sachs. Rock stars like Bono and Bob Geldof. What's more: she was arguing for pulling the plug on development aid.

Good. Not only will letting them stand on their own feet do them good, it will do them even more good. And if you need more proof that I'm right:

"The danger is that this book will get more attention than it deserves," wrote The Guardian. "Her proposal to phase out aid in five years is disastrously irresponsible: it would lead to the closure of thousands of schools and clinics across Africa, and an end to the HIV antiretroviral, malaria and TB programmes, along with emergency food supplies, on which millions of lives depend.

As usual, the Graniaud is ignoring decades of evidence in favour of their patronising racism.

Development aid doesn't develop and it doesn't aid. Plus, stopping it will save the taxpayer some money. AND it will fuck off the liberals.

What's not to like?

Great newspaper links of our time

I am not making this up: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/gordon-brown/4961897/Gordon-Brown-is-a-cunt.html

Tip of the clown wig to Gweeds.

Something I hear a lot ...

... is that rank and file coppers are OK, it's the Chief Cuntstubbles who are cunts. I'm not so sure:

A MECHANIC was arrested after a police officer allegedly accused him of stealing his sunglasses – which turned out to be in his car the whole time.

Richard Smith, who works at MOTMax in Mansfield, said the Notts police officer could not find his sunglasses when he returned to pick up his car after testing.

It is claimed he then accused Mr Smith of stealing them and arrested him.

Mr Smith said he was held for about 40 minutes while another officer who was called to the scene searched MOTMax. The glasses were eventually found in the car.

Mr Smith, 45, said: "It was very humiliating.

"I told him that when I did the brake test I had to move an arm rest out of the way, and that there were a couple of pairs of sunglasses on it that may have fallen down.

"He just would not believe what I said. He came over straight away and arrested me."

Ah, the good old British bobby, eh? Admired and respected by all.

Cunt.

Feeling suicidal?

I know I do when I read shit like this:

Britain will contribute to a new World Bank fund for the poorest countries, Gordon Brown is expected to confirm on Monday.

The fund calls on the richest nations to finance it with 0.7% of the money they have used to bail out the banks.

Look you fucking monocular mentalist: we're tired of you pissing OUR, yes, that's right, OUR fucking money out against the wall of saving the world. Why don't you cash out your fucking pension and set fire to it, then boil the ocean with it instead?

STOP SPENDING OUR FUCKING MONEY, YOU DAFT CUNT!!!

Tip of the clown wig to the Coffee House.

The Real IRA: fucking nutters!